Go Ahead, Be Bossy

Why you should tell your members what to do.

digital art of a person holding a massive instruction manual | DALL-E

We community folk are generally quite kind.

We like making people happy. We want our members to feel comfortable and empowered.

“This is YOUR space!”, we proclaim. “I am but a mere servant leader.”

And so we try not to take up too much of the spaces we create. We don’t want to be too pushy. We want members to be able to make the space their own…

…which is exactly what they DON’T want.

To explain, let’s take a trip down memory boulevard…

Think back to a time you went to an event and were put in a discussion group.

If it was like most discussion groups, you were probably told something like:

1. Find your partners

2. Introduce yourselves

3. Go around and answer an awfully vague question like “share one challenge you’re dealing with right now”

I bet I know what happened next…

I bet that you ran out of time before everyone got to share. I also bet that one person ended up talking a lot more than everyone else. And I bet the conversation didn’t get very deep.

The facilitator didn’t facilitate.

They left it open to members to figure it out, either because they didn’t know any better, were lazy, or because they didn’t want to be bossy.

When you leave things that open, you create uncertainty for your members. They can’t be pushy because they’re not in a position of authority. If they tell other members what to do, they look like a jerk.

There are a number of ways the facilitator could have been more specific:

1. They could have shared the intention of the discussion:

• To create a deeper connection and level of support for each other

• To give each other very honest and pointed feedback so they can learn

• To have fun and be a little silly together

2. They could have provided more guidance on how to find their partners:

• Pre-plan groups based on member needs and identities

• Assign numbers to each person, “all the 4’s sit here” (or colors, or use birthdays) to make sure people don’t just sit with their friends

• Ask members to match up with someone they’ve never met before

3. They could have provided guidance on how to do introductions:

• Be specific about how long each introduction should take

• Decide if members should share their work identities or not

• Provide an icebreaker to set the tone

4. They could have guided members on how to participate:

• Give members permission to be radically candid

• Tell members how to respond (ie. a group I was in once asked us not to verbally respond, just nod and let the member talk)

• Provide an example of how to give feedback and then model the behavior

5. They could have provided direction on how to manage the discussion:

• Tell them how to decide which member goes first (earliest name in the alphabet is an easy one)

• Tell members how long each member should speak for

• Create a “cue” that will let members know to move to the next person or topic, like music or a bell

6. They could have made the question more specific:

• Tell members to share a challenge they’re thinking about today (or this week, or this month)

• Focus on either a current challenge or a fear about the future

• Tell members how to communicate their challenge (ie. “share a challenge and one solution you’re already thinking about”)

Imagine how valuable the discussion would have been with this level of instruction.

The same rules apply in online communities.

We as community organizers don’t always take the time to think through the answers we’d like to receive before we post to a forum or a group.

We ask vague, open-ended questions. Again, we’re afraid to be bossy. Or we just don’t know what we actually want members to do.

Don’t leave it to fate. FA-CIL-I-TATE.

For example, it’s common to ask members to "share their accomplishments". Lame. Needs more boss.

Here's how I made this question more specific in the CMX community:

I modeled the kind of answer that we’re looking for and I specified the timeframe for their accomplishments to make it clear we’re thinking big. Look at that like-to-comment ratio. 100% baby.

Another common discussion prompt is asking members to "share where they live". Boring. Ineffective.

You’ll usually end up with a long, disorganized thread of locations that does nothing to actually connect members.

With more specific instruction, I was able to start a discussion that resulted in hundreds of members connecting around the world:

Look how bossy I was. I even used ALL CAPS several times. I really had to silence my inner people-pleaser for this one. By providing explicit directions, this post was a huge hit, and several CMX Connect chapters launched as a direct result.

Being bossy doesn’t mean being a jerk.

If you’re telling people what to do because it makes you feel like the queen of the castle, maybe don’t.

If you’re not sure, do these three things:

1. Ask yourself, “are these instructions additive to the experience?”

2. Read the room. Don’t bring legos to a funeral. Make sure your instruction aligns the purpose of the space.

3. Tell your members why you’re being bossy. “I want to give you all the opportunity to connect on a more emotional level, so we’re going to be talking about some deep stuff…”

Your members are looking to you to guide them. 

Go ahead, be bossy.

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📝 On a Personal Note…

My first week back at work was a lot of fun, but also very tiring with two kids. I’m feeling ambitious and have quickly created a lot of expectations for myself. I’m reminding myself that I’m working to live, not living to work.

I hope you all survived the SVB-apocalypse. I’m really sad to see the bank go down, not just because of it’s impact on its customers, but because SVB was the best example I know of a community-led bank. They did a ton for the ecosystem and built an incredibly inclusive community, inside their organization and out.

I’m going to start answering your questions in this newsletter. Either I’ll have the answer, or I’ll go out and do the research for you. Send your questions to @davidspinks on Twitter.

See y’all, same time, same place, next week.

-David