How to Make Big Life Decisions

The messy, emotional story of how I chose my next work path

Before diving into today’s post, I wanted to share that applications for the Spring 2025 Downshift Decelerator close tomorrow!

We’re taking a small group of ambitious professionals through a journey of transformation in their relationship with work.

If you’ve been feeling lost, burned out, or misaligned in your career, this program will help you:

• Unpack your attachments to success

• Reconnect with what lights you up

• Rewrite the next chapter of your career to be more energizing, intentional, and aligned

Sound intriguing? You can find all the details by clicking the button below.

Now, on to today’s essay…

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I recently made a big life decision, to step fully into my role coleading Downshift.

If you’ve been reading this newsletter for a while, you know that I didn’t plan on this. I was planning on the opposite, to be an independent coach with full autonomy of my time and how I want to spend my life. No one counting on me. No one to count on. I told myself that’s what freedom looked like.

But as my work with Downshift unfolded organically and deepened, the question began to loom in the distance. Do I want to make this full commitment? Do I want to lay to rest the path of total independence?

It came to a head when

Steven Schlafman

and I had an honest conversation about our future working together, and he shared that he was sensing that I wasn’t fully committed.

What followed was a whirlwind of emotions. I took a long walk into the woods to create space for them to move through me.

Fear came first. It coursed through my veins. “It’s happening again… I’m being abandoned, fired, cut out”. My heart raced. I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to change his mind. I wanted to fix it.

Anger came next. “I’ve been working hard! This is bullshit!” I formed my arguments. I fumed at any perceived hypocrisy. I felt misunderstood and unseen.

Then sadness. “Fuck… What if this doesn’t work out? I care a lot about this work and this team. I’m having fun. I feel inspired. What if this goes away? Am I fucking this up?” I cried.

It was a doozy. I spent three hours in the woods letting this all unfold. I gave each emotion its time and space. Once one was fully expressed, it created space for the next to emerge.

Until, finally, stillness.

After the emotions moved through me, dissipating out into the frozen lake, branches, and streams, I felt calm. I noticed myself moving back “above the line”. The stories started to quiet. I started to see the gifts of this moment. My emotions were telling me something.

I saw the truth in what Steve was sensing. I hadn’t been all in. I’ve been keeping one foot in and one foot out, not quite committing either way. It hurt to hear it so much because it forced me to look the question in the eye for the first time.

I also saw the truth in what I was sensing. There were some misunderstandings and misaligned expectations. But I wasn’t angry anymore. I felt open and curious about what we can learn together, and how this experience could bring us into deeper alignment.

I sat in my car, parked outside a coffee shop later that day, and sat with the question.

Do I want to make this commitment? Do I want to go “all in” on Downshift?

Parts of me all started speaking up again. The one that’s worried about money. The one that’s worried about losing autonomy. The one that’s worried about losing balance and spaciousness. The one that’s worried about being on a team again and remembers the struggles (and traumas) of past team experiences. They weren’t screaming this time, no longer overcome with emotion, but they still wanted to make their concerns known.

I invited each of them into the light, to be heard, but not to make this decision for me. I acknowledged them and listened to how they were trying to protect me. Once they felt heard, they each softened and quieted.

In this new silence, I found I was able to turn my attention to the space around my heart, breathing deeply and letting its energy expand. When I felt like I had steady contact with my heart, I asked the question again.

Do I want to make this commitment?

The answer came quickly and clearly. “YES YES YES!” I felt a warm expansion.

I felt love for the work we’re doing and for the team I’m working with. My heart longed for it. I wanted to build this company. I wanted to step into leadership on this team. I wanted to have responsibility and accountability. I wanted to be in.

My parts’ voices were still present. They helped me articulate what my boundaries and expectations were. They helped me describe the kind of business I want to build (calm, focused, balanced, etc.) They weren’t making the final decision, but they showed me what true alignment would look like for me, in this moment.

To be sure, I ran the other path by my heart. The path of going back to being solo. That answer came quickly and clearly too. “NO NO NO NO NO!” I felt a cold contraction.

The decision was clear.

Finally, I turned my attention to my whole body. I felt relaxed. Clear. Grounded. It felt right. I felt firm in my inner knowing. My body confirmed the decision was aligned.

I recorded a voice message for Steve, conveying my decision, intentions, and expectations. After a couple of conversations, we found ourselves once again in alignment and committed to moving forward together.

Since then, things have felt easeful. I’ve been able to focus on the work without clinging to an outcome around my role. We’re looking at everything as an ongoing experiment. I don’t know what happens next and that’s okay. I feel able to surrender to what wants to unfold.

I’ve long struggled with decision-making. My brain can spin endlessly weighing pros and cons. So this was a powerful experience for me, where I was able to put my learnings in parts work and somatics into practice.

Here’s a summary of the process I went through, so you can try it for yourself:

1. Let the Emotions Flow: Feel all the emotions, letting them flow and be expressed fully, in a safe container (nature, breathing, journaling, speaking with a coach/therapist/support group) until my nervous system is back in its zone of tolerance.

   Remember: It will be hard to work with my parts until I’m regulated.

2. Invite In My Parts: Once I’m feeling more open and present, invite in each of the parts within me that want to be heard and listen to how they’re trying to protect me. See where there’s truth in their concerns. Show them appreciation.

   Remember: It will be hard to access my heart until my parts feel heard.

3. Ask My Heart: Once my parts have quieted, and I feel like I have access to my heart space, breathe deeply into that space, and ask the question again. Listen for the answer and be aware of sensations that arise.

4. Check In With My Body: After I’ve made the decision, check in with my body. See what I notice. If there’s a sense of calm and grounding, that’s a sign that I am in alignment. If I notice intense emotion or sensation, I can start the process again.

Note: This process feels like my personal flavor of Kathlyn Hendricks’ “Whole Body Yes” which has been a profoundly impactful tool for me, and provided a foundation out of which this experience unfolded.

Interested in going deeper? We teach Parts Work, Somatics, and Whole Body Yes in the Downshift Decelerator. Applications for our Spring cohort close tomorrow! If you’re navigating a career and life transition, we’d love to have you join us. If you have any questions, just hit reply.

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