Learning to Love My Pain

This past weekend at a retreat, I was guided by my friend and coach

Derek Haswell

through a visualization experience where I would meet my “future self”. The experience shifted something powerful for me around my relationship with my inner suffering. I thought I’d share it with you all.

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“An illustration of a cute cottage in the woods with a front porch and soft light emanating from its windows.” | Midjourney

I walked down the quiet nature trail, the dirt shifting under my feet. The air still smelled moist from a recent rain.

Around the bend, a cottage began to appear. It was a perfect home, emanating with warmth and love.

I walked up to the front porch and a man opened the door to welcome me in with a big smile that made me feel seen and loved.

He had a greying beard and was wearing loose fitting linen clothes. He radiated with joy, kindness, presence, and confidence. He was me, in ten years.

“Welcome home”, he said, gesturing inside.

We sat down in the front room and he served tea. Earl Grey, of course. The sun flowed softly into the room, casting a warm light across the bookshelves and bohemian furniture.

I started to ask him questions offered by my guide.

“What has been meaningful about your life over the last 10 years. What has made your life fulfilling?”

“My family, my relationship with myself, my connection with others, and my work.”

“What do other people value about you as a person?”

“My ability to hold others in my loving presence”.

“What is the one value that I need to live by in order to infuse this life with fulfillment and meaning?”

“Love.”

“Ok…” I thought, starting to feel skeptical. This guy is just too pure. He’s fucking radiating for goodness sake. This was too good to be true. So I asked…

“Do you suffer? Do you still feel the pain inside?”

His smile grew wide.

“Of course! But I’ve learned to love it. When you learn to love your pain, you’ll learn to love the pain of others too.”

I felt a shift in my system. It felt like hearing the truth.

As the journey came to a close, I walked out of the house back into the woods, sat down, took a deep breath, and disappeared.

I’ve been doing so much work to understand the pain and suffering I feel inside my system. My goal has been to remove it. To end my suffering.

The idea of accepting my pain without trying to change it is something I’ve been told time and time again by books and spiritual leaders. There are “no bad parts”.

Intellectually, I bought into this idea. But in practice, I’ve found it very difficult to be with the discomfort and not try to change it.

This time it landed different.

It gave purpose to the suffering. I’m holding this pain so that I can see and hold the pain in others.

It’s still uncomfortable. It’s this intense energy that’s ever present in my body. As I write this, I feel it intensely in my heart and throat. Seeing it as a gift helps me stay with that discomfort.

The cracks of my broken heart are my gift to the world. It’s in that space that I can hold others’ pain too. It’s an opening. An invitation for connection.

As I’ve walked around since this practice, I notice myself seeing people differently. Like I can see the pain they’re holding, and love them for it, because I feel it too.

Maybe, just maybe, I can learn to love this pain, both mine and yours.