Reveal Your Contradictions

How to communicate when you experience inner conflict

A lot of community leaders have struggled to navigate how to talk about the election in their communities over the past couple days. It’s a theme that came up in a lot of my coaching calls this week.

As I unpacked the experience with one of my clients, it became clear there were a lot of stories swirling around in their mind at once. Many of these stories contradicted each other:

It feels weird to say nothing about the election.
It feels inappropriate to say something about the election.

I feel angry at the people who voted for Trump.
I see Trump supporters as humans and want them to be included.

I want to support the members who feel hurt and afraid.
I don’t want to alienate the people who feel happy.

I want to take a stand for what I believe in.
I don’t want to politicize the community.

I want to express myself as a human.
I want to honor my role as a neutral community facilitator.

Politics don’t belong in our community.
It’s impossible to separate politics from our members’ experience.

All these stories and feelings were present. All of these contradictions swirling around at once.

It’s a common struggle for community leaders, and frankly, all of us as humans, to know how to express ourselves when in mixed company around a divisive issue.

My pattern is that I experience a core inner conflict between the part of me that wants to express my genuine experience and the part of me that worries that expressing myself will alienate others.

It’s a contradiction.

We all contain contradictions. We’ve all experienced holding two different opinions at once. We are made up of parts, and different parts of ourselves have different priorities. In IFS, it’s called a “polarity” when two parts have different, opposing priorities.

I want to express myself creatively, but I also want job security.

I want to travel the world, but I also want to build roots and a family.

I want a burrito, but I also want a slice of pizza.

These contradictions show up every day. And they make it hard to communicate to others what we want or believe. We think that before we speak, we have to have an answer. So we hold the conflict in, forcing ourselves to choose one side or the other before expressing anything to the world.

The one way I’ve learned to navigate this:

Reveal your contradictions.

I just name that I’m having conflicting beliefs right now. I name all the stories swirling around in my head. In doing so, I reveal my humanity. I reveal my roles—as a human, as a citizen, as a family member, as a community facilitator. I acknowledge that all this is here, all at once.

So in the case of the election, when holding space for people on both sides, it’s okay to tell your community:

“I’m having a hard time today and I want to reveal myself, even though I have a lot of conflicting stories swirling around in my head around this election. Here are all of those stories...”

Put it all on the table. Reveal your contradictions.

It shows that you’re human, made up of many parts. That’s far truer, more honest, and more human than pretending you have just one opinion or priority. In revealing your messy humanity, you invite others to reveal theirs. It’s an invitation to connection, to see each other as the complex humans that we are.

The other option is to repress your experience. To either hold it all in, or force yourself to choose one story. In doing so, you disconnect yourself from your humanity, and in turn to the humanity of others.

I’m noticing that as I learn to love and accept all the messy contradictions within me, I’m learning to love and accept them in others too.