The Bravery of Human Connection
Why connecting with people will always come with risk
When I was a kid I would ride my bike around town in hopes of finding people to hang out with.
Usually, I didn’t find anyone and would return home, empty-handed (socially speaking).
Sometimes it worked, I’d find a group of people who allowed me to tag along.
One time, it ended in disaster.
MY FIRST FISTFIGHT
I could sense something was up as soon as I saw the group riding toward me. I knew this group. We didn’t get along.
I tried to act cool, biking as fast as I could without looking like I was running away. But Greg, their leader, started calling my name. “SPINKS!” YO SPINKS!!!” His tone sounded almost friendly.
Not wanting to look afraid, I stopped.
They formed a circle around me with their bikes. “Spinks, we need a favor. You gotta fight Billy”, Greg said, grinning. He had been my bully for most of my childhood. I knew he wasn’t bluffing.
Billy debiked and walked hesitantly into the circle. It was an “initiation”. They wanted him to learn how to fight.
I said, “Uh, I don’t want to fight Billy.” Greg was prepared for this response. He barked back, “You can fight Billy or you can fight all of us.”
Welp.
I was terrified. I was sure that even if I did agree to fight Billy, others would jump in.
The choice was made for me when moments later, Billy started swinging wildly. His masculinity was being tested too.
And so we fought.
It didn’t last long. After a few swings it turned into a wrestling match and I was able to pin him down. The fight was called. “You’re both fucking pussies", Greg said, grimacing. He was hoping for blood.
They took off on their bikes and left me in the middle of the street to process what just happened. My heart was pounding through my chest. I was afraid they’d come back so I sped home.
The biggest emotion I felt was embarrassment. I knew word would get around about what happened. I didn’t know how I’d be able to face people at school the next day.
I set out that day looking for human connection. I went home feeling more lonely than ever before.
Was it worth the risk?
THE RISKS OF SEEKING HUMAN CONNECTION
My friend Ivan Cash is a creator who organizes large-scale social art projects like:
Snail Mail My Email: He invited people to email a message to him and he would handwrite it as a letter. 2,000 volunteers joined in to help send 29,249 letters.
Selfless Portraits: He invited strangers to draw each other's profile pics. Over 50,000 drawings were created.
The Passenger Project: He handed out surveys to people on airplanes, resulting in clever, funny, and beautiful collaborative art projects.
He would later give a TEDx talk about his projects and he finished it by saying:
“Any attempt at human connection inherently involves risk.”
I think about this quote a lot.
Connecting with new people, in a new setting, in a new way, is TERRIFYING.
You might be rejected.
You might be ignored.
You might be forced into a fistfight with Billy.
Ok… maybe not the last one but the first two are for sure risks.
The risks today are even higher. We’re entering a peak of social awkwardness after years of Covid and the growing remote work trend. It’s never been easier to just stay home, stick to Zoom, and avoid human contact.
I continued to set out on my bike looking for connection, even after the fight, because I was more afraid of being alone. Sitting at home alone was unbearable. I had to try something.
Sometimes that’s what it takes. The pain of loneliness needs to outweigh the potential pain of rejection.
If you want to connect with people, you have to take a risk.
COMMUNITY BUILDING IS AN ACT OF BRAVERY
There’s a reason the community you’re building doesn’t already exist.
Everyone else has been afraid to create it.
Afraid to go big enough.
Afraid no one will show up.
Afraid to do something radically different.
When you create a community you’re saying, “This group of people deserves a place to call home and we’re going to create a home that they will fucking love.”
You create a new set of social norms and rules, which means you’re acting in defiance of society.
Communities fail so often because they aren’t doing anything different. They aren’t taking risks. They’re yet another way for the same people to gather the way they already gather.
That will never work.
To build a great community you have to offer something radically different.
A different space.
A different group of people.
A different voice.
A different experience that these people have never had but whether they know it or not, they need it.
It took me years to launch CMX Summit. It was too big. Too bold. Too different.
I never would have taken the leap if Max Altschuler didn't come along and make me feel like we might actually be able to pull this thing off together.
The idea that the community industry could sustain a large, expensive conference sounded absurd at the time.
But it was precisely because we went so big and so bold that it worked.
When people walked into that room they couldn’t believe this space was created just for them. It made them feel big. It made them feel bold.
These days it’s way too easy to spin up another Slack or Circle or Discord or whatever.
And look, getting started is what truly matters, even if you’re starting off with something simple. I spent years working on smaller, simpler communities for community builders before CMX.
But eventually, you have to take a risk. You have to be bold. You have to bring people together who have never been brought together. Not in this place. Not in this way.
You have to do something that will make the members of your community say, “Holy cannoli, I can’t believe they built this for me.”
Do that, and you might just have a chance of building a community that will stand the test of time.
🍭 Brain Candy
Some goodies to get your community gears turning…
🧠 I love the “Why We Buy” newsletter, and this issue on “Unity” does a great job of connecting human connection to business.
💔 If we already know the cure to loneliness, why are so many suffering?
🏰 How prisoners on death row found connection through Dungeons and Dragons.
👯♂️ Why friend-dating apps don’t work.
👨🏫 Love this new academy from Brian Oblinger. Most thorough “school” for community professionals I’ve seen. (Use the code ZUCCHINI to get 15% off)
🫡 UNTIL NEXT WEEK
Your comments and feedback keep me going, so hit reply or drop a comment below and let me know your thoughts on this week’s post.
I’m considering turning on payments for this newsletter. I’d love to be able to make writing my full-time thing. I have no idea if there are enough of you out there willing to pay for my writing to make it worth it so it will require AN ACT OF BRAVERY 😉
If you’d like to support my writing, you can subscribe and choose to pledge.
-David “Didn’t Get Beat Up” Spinks
(The names in this post were changed to protect my bully’s identity for some reason.)
This was heart breaking. Thanks for sharing your story with Billy, and for this reminder of the bravery behind this facet of community building.
The risk of connecting with another human has also been a terrible fear of mine for many years. When I first got into entrepreneurship I didn't realize how big of a obstacle it was. But one day I found a TED talk on Jia Jiang and his 100 days of rejection.
https://www.ted.com/talks/jia_jiang_what_i_learned_from_100_days_of_rejection
I tried two of his exercices and realized how to get over the fear of connecting with others in any circumstance. If things go sideways in an interaction, I could always explain myself or ask for clarifications.
I've shared these "rejection technique" with other entrepreneurs and community folks, like asking for a 10 cent discount , or help someone fill their gas at the gas station, and it doesn't take much for people's fears to get under control after that :)
Thanks again for this much needed post, and all the best for your new subscription!
Greatest of storytelling here David. Thanks for sharing the message with us.
Indeed, building community is one of the hardest things every creator/writer/entrepreneur has to build in their entire lives, yet one of the most enjoyable and returning treasures one can have.
Let´s keep connecting, creating, and building better things one step at a time!