Last week I published “A Day As a Workaholic” and received a number of reader responses saying, “I feel seen!”, and, “How do I make it stop?”
Today I thought I’d write a follow-up about how I broke free from the workaholism cycle.
This is not advice, it’s simply my experience.
Why boundaries didn’t work
Let’s start with what I thought was the solution to workaholism: Boundaries.
I thought that if I could just hold better boundaries, then I wouldn’t work as much, and the problem would be solved.
Here are just some of the boundaries I tried while leading my company:
Workblocks
Limiting the number of meetings per day
No-meeting days
Four-day work weeks
No meetings policies
Hiring a virtual assistant
Stopping work at 6pm
Not working on nights or weekends
2-week, and sometimes longer, vacations
Each time I would create a boundary, it would create some relief for a short amount of time, but old habits and anxieties would always return.
What I learned is that workaholism comes down to a belief and no amount of boundaries will change your life without first changing this belief.
The belief at the root of my workaholism is one I’ve spoken about a lot on this newsletter…
“I am not enough.”
This belief is deeply painful. It has been the root of my suffering. It’s been a hole my soul. And to fill that hole, to avoid the suffering, I would throw myself into my work.
“I will be enough if…”
I get more done.
I get a promotion.
I sell my company.
I reach inbox zero.
I make more money.
I gain more status.
I am successful.
None of these things ever worked because they were rooted in the belief that enoughness needs to come from something external.
Why couldn’t I find enoughness within?
Success was what was praised by my parents and all the adults in my life, and so the story formed in my psyche that success equates to love, and failure equates to love being withheld. I know now that my parents love me fully, no matter what, but the story has persisted.
Workaholism is a vicious cycle
You think that work will make you feel like you’re enough, so you work hard and you find some success.
“Yay, you did it!”, shout the inner and outer voices. For the moment, you feel like you’re enough.
But the praise is short-lived. If you want to keep feeling like you’re enough, you need to do it again. So you add more work, your plate starts to overflow, and you fall behind.
“Falling behind?! Unacceptable. Clearly, you are still not enough. Look at all your successful friends! They’re enough!”
Now what do you do to prove you’re enough? Work harder! Take on more work!
Around and around it goes until you burn yourself to the ground.
My boundaries never stood a chance
“I’m only going to work four days a week.”
Great! That means I’ll work 20% less, right? Of course not. Because the bar of success I need to hit in order to feel like I’m enough remains the same.
So now I’ve just given myself less time to hit the same bar. I work harder and longer, with greater intensity and expectation. By the time I reach my off day, I’m so burnt out I can’t even enjoy it.
Let’s try another boundary…
“I’m going to stop working at 6pm every day.”
Super! Let’s do it. 6pm arrives, time to close the laptop!
Of course, I still have emails in my inbox and tasks I didn’t get to. But NO! I’m putting my foot down and stopping at 6pm like I said. Laptop closed.
There’s that tension in my chest again.
I can feel the emails waiting for me. The unfinished tasks buzz like gnats in my ears. I’m not working, but I can’t stop thinking about work.
I start pushing work to 6:15, then 6:30, 6:45…
Soon the boundary is just a memory.
Finding enoughness
Setting a boundary around work without addressing the beliefs behind my workaholic tendencies was like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound.
I needed to root out the bullet if I was going to heal.
I needed to believe that I’m enough, regardless of how much I succeeded.
This is the journey I’ve been on for the last two years.
Eventually, I tuned into the parts of me holding the story that I’m not enough. They’ve been working so hard to prove the story wrong, to protect me.
I sat with them compassionately and made them feel heard.
Slowly, the story began to fade, these parts started to relax, the noise quieted down, and I discovered the enoughness that has always existed within me.
How did I break the cycle of workaholism?
By learning how to love myself, seeing myself as whole, and finding enoughness.
I had a lot of help
I tried to navigate my workaholism alone for a long time and it wasn’t until the right people entered my life that I was able to start to make a change.
They helped me see the stories I was holding. They helped me identify the belief that I wasn’t enough. They gave me tools and practices to change that belief.
This took the form of coaching, therapy, IFS, breathwork, meditation, nature immersion, community, and various other practices, people, and spaces.
I’ve found it very difficult to do this work alone. If you’re feeling lost, I invite you to consider asking for help. A regular therapist can be a wonderful place to start. I found mine through Psychology Today’s directory.
I’m deeply grateful to the humans the universe sent me, who have held me through this journey.
I also had a great deal of space to do this work
I stepped down from my company and stopped working entirely to embark on this journey (though at the time I had no idea what I was looking for, I just knew something had to change).
It gave me a lot of time. And it made sure I didn’t have a company or job pulling me back into the cycle of hustle and achievement.
Our family is not independently wealthy. Taking this time off felt deeply uncomfortable from a financial perspective, but it was worth every penny.
I wonder if I had committed to these healing practices and had the right people around me, if I would have been able to make these changes while still running my company. I think the answer is yes, but it would have been much more difficult.
I thought the only tools I had in my battle for enoughness were work and success. I didn’t know these healing practices were out there and available to me and I didn’t carve out the space to commit to them. I didn’t know how profound of an impact they could have.
I was blind. Now I can see.
Now, the boundaries work
Before, I was using boundaries to avoid suffering.
Now, I use boundaries to create the life I want to live.
Instead of acting as a dam, my boundaries flow with the river of my life.
I work for myself. I have no employees or contractors, a boundary I’ve decided to hold in this chapter.
Thursdays are my no-meeting days. I get deep creative work done on these days. (I’m sitting at a cafe writing this post on a Thursday. I think I might grab some tacos after I schedule this.)
Fridays are my “do whatever I want days”, which is usually a long hike in the woods. Sometimes it’s sitting in the park and reading. And yes, sometimes it’s working. But when I work, it’s no longer from a place of fear. It’s because I feel energized to work.
I don’t work on weekends or evenings. That time is for being present with my wife and kids.
I say no to a lot of meetings. I say no to a lot of projects. I have become intimate with my tendency to fill up the empty space in my life, and have stayed committed to maintaining spaciousness.
The work continues…
I still fall into old habits.
But now when the fears arise, I have tools for coming back into presence.
When I feel a temptation to break a boundary, I can ask myself, “Is this coming from enoughness or the belief that I’m not enough?” The temptation becomes my guide.
Sometimes I find that the belief that “I am not enough” has returned.
So I sit with it.
I notice the tension in my chest.
I give my attention to the parts of me that want to feel heard.
I listen to what they have to teach me.
I keep doing the work.
I’m here to help
If you’re feeling stuck in the workaholism cycle and are looking for some help, please reach out. I get a great deal of energy from helping others through this journey through my coaching practice, or just as a friend.
Your turn:
What has your experience with workaholism been?
What stories have you held that led you to work so much?
If you were able to break out of it, how?
I enjoyed reading this, David. Thank you for being so honest.
I used to be a workaholic because I thought that the only way to be successful was through work. Now I attribute my success to a set of feelings. I regularly ask myself, “How do I want my life to feel?” If I feel comfortable, free, helpful and impactful, I’m all good no matter what I'm doing.
Oof that was a difficult read in many ways. You cut to the chase and I appreciate you doing so. Well done for going on this journey yourself. I feel societal norms are so stacked in favour of the “got to prove yourself”/ you’re not good enough yet… that having the courage to just not listen to that or decide to plough your own path is incredibly brave and, in many ways, difficult. Thanks for sharing and keep showing us how to do things better! Perhaps more of us will find the courage as a result. 🙏