Am I Attached to an Outcome?

How to discover the root of your anxiety

“A minimalist illustration with muted tones of a person holding on very tight to something out there in the future” | Midjourney

A case of the January’s…

I sat journaling in my usual coffee shop, snow lightly dusting the street outside, as the year came to a close. I was thinking about returning to work in a few days and noticed some apprehension. It was a tingly feeling up the back of my neck and across my shoulders. Fear.

“What am I afraid of?”, I wondered to myself. I’m loving the work I’m doing. I feel genuinely excited to work with my team and my clients.

As I dug underneath the surface of the fear, I noticed that it wasn’t the work I was afraid of, it was losing the work. More specifically, it was losing a version of work that I was hoping would, someday, come to fruition.

It was this misty vision of our team working together long into the future, of all the impact we’ll have, of the joy and purpose, of the ways I’ll learn, and grow. I care a lot about the work we’re doing at Downshift and getting to work with this team. I’m afraid of fucking it up. I’m afraid of losing it.

So, of course, my mind started planning. It brainstormed all the things that could go wrong and what I could do to avoid it. At points it considered just quitting altogether. Better to not risk getting hurt. Then I started judging myself for overthinking it. “Why can’t I just relax and go with the flow?” The anxiety was rising in my chest.

I got curious about this attachment. What’s underneath it? What’s bringing me to be attached to this outcome?

And there I found my old friend, not-enoughness.

I’m attached to this outcome because when I’m an accomplished coach, THEN I’ll be enough. When I have a deep and meaningful relationship with my team, THEN I’ll be enough. When I’ve had a lot of impact, THEN I’ll be enough.

Until then, I am not enough. I am deficient.

Spotting the attachment

I’m finding this pattern to be everpresent in my life. I feel anxiety or fear and ask myself, “Am I attached to an outcome?” Every damn time, the answer is yes.

I get frustrated with my kids and realize it’s because I have an outcome in mind about how dinner should go. There’s a story that I’m not a good enough father.

I get stressed about a dynamic with my wife and realize I have an outcome in mind about how a marriage should go. There’s a story that I’m not a good enough husband.

I feel stuck with writing this newsletter and realize it’s because I have an outcome in mind where my article is perfectly written and I’ll get a lot of likes, comments, and subscribers. There’s a story that I’m not a good enough writer.

On the flip side, when I’m calm and present, I notice that it’s because I’m not attached to an outcome. I’m surrendered to whatever wants to unfold.

For example, I played one of the best basketball games of my life the other day. I was hitting shots, moving well, and having more fun than I had all season (it was a rough season).

It was because I assumed we were going to lose. We were the last-place team playing against the first-place team, and we had to play with four people against their five. There was little hope of winning so I had almost no attachment to winning the game (I’m usually very attached to winning in basketball).

It allowed me to just relax, go with the flow, and take more risks. We still lost, but I had even more fun than I when I win.

Releasing the attachment

After noticing the fear I felt around returning to work, and the story around not-enoughness, I wondered to myself, “What would it feel like if I were unattached to what happens with Downshift?”

What if the work and my relationship with the team came as an expression of enoughness, rather than from a place of lack? What if I focus on the love I feel for this work and our team, here in this moment, and surrender to whatever wants to unfold from there?

I felt my body calm. I felt the apprehension fade. I felt a new energy rise within me.

I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know if I’ll work on Downshift for another year or 20. I don’t know how my relationship with the team will unfold. In my heart, I sense there are levels of depth, impact, and growth waiting for us to uncover that we can’t even imagine. Can I move forward with that feeling, with that intention, without holding onto the results?

My “Outcome Release Process”

This has become a process I find myself turning back to:

1. Notice: I notice I’m anxious, stressed, avoidant, overwhelmed, etc.

2. Identify the outcome: I identify the outcome I’m attached to.

3. Uncover not enoughness: I uncover the story of not-enoughness underneath the attachment.

4. Listen to my parts: I welcome and listen to the parts of me that want me to be enough.

5. Release the attachment: I tune into my innate enoughness, and invite myself to release the attachment.

Try it out. If you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or afraid, try asking yourself, “Am I attached to an outcome?” and see where that exploration takes you.

Let me know what comes up. Let me know if you have any questions.