Dirty Fuel vs. Clean Fuel

A tank filled with clean fluid and dirty fluid in the style of Roy Lichtenstein | Midjourney

For most of my life, my actions have been powered by what my friend Peter Corbett calls “dirty fuel". 

My parents believed I was special so I worked to prove them right.

My bullies made me feel powerless so I worked to prove them wrong.

My family didn’t have much money so I worked to never feel poor.

Pride, pain, and fear became my motivation to succeed.

The story that “I am not enough” became my dirty fuel.

Dirty fuel can be extremely effective. It brought me to incredible heights and helped me positively impact thousands of people.

But, like the dirty fuel we carve from the earth and burn into the air, it leaves scars.

My craving for success, for reputation, for money, to be liked, to avoid conflict… it brought suffering to myself and people around me.

So, I embarked on a journey to empty my tank of dirty fuel. With the help of coaches, therapy, and a variety of practices (I share them here), I started to see and undo the story that “I am not enough”.

The dirty fuel started to empty.

Then, something scary happened…

I lost all my motivation.

What’s the point of doing anything when you’re already enough, amiright?

This terrified me. I’m a high achiever. I’m very used to being motivated, to doing.

I went to the Zen Mountain Monastery in search of an answer. I spent the weekend meditating and at the end of the retreat, I got the chance to ask the teacher, Shoan Ankele, a question.

“What do you do when you find yourself in a place of peace and self-acceptance?”, I asked. “What’s the point of doing anything?”

She smirked, having heard this one before. “Bodhisattva”, she said. “To end the suffering of all beings”.

I didn’t know it at the time, but she was describing “clean fuel”.

Clean fuel is love and wonder. It’s abundant and it leaves no scars.

I know I’m tapping into clean fuel when I feel a calling to be in service to others.

I didn’t have to search for clean fuel. It was already in me. I just needed to create the space in my tank, then wait for it to emerge.

Slowly (very slowly), opportunities started coming to me. New projects, new relationships, new experiences.

Each time, I could choose to welcome it into my life, or let it pass by.

If I found I was motivated by enoughness, I welcomed it in.

If I found I was motivated by fear of not being enough, I let it pass.

Slowly, my life started to fill up with work, people, and experiences rooted in a place of love and wonder, instead of fear and worry.

Slowly, I started to be powered by clean fuel.

This is a short post, or what I call a “Seed”. Seeds are simple ideas and reflections that may grow into essays, models, and books. I publish seeds fairly frequently, as often as they sprout.

You can update your subscription here if you prefer not to receive Seeds, but still want to receive my long-form Essays.