What It's Like to Be Off Social Media

And why I'm contemplating coming back...

I quit social media eight months ago.

It started with a conflict that forced me to step back. Once I experienced life without social media I was like, “hey this is pretty cool” and just stayed off.

But over the past couple weeks, I’ve dipped my toes back in. Reexperiencing social media after being away so long has been enlightening. It’s shining a bright light on how different life is when immersed in these platforms.

I thought today, I’d share some of what I’ve been observing and experiencing.

Note: these are my experiences with social media as a white, straight, Jewish, middle class, male. I’m curious what aligns or doesn’t align with your experience.

Let’s dive in, and remember to LIKE AND SHARE BECAUSE SOCIAL MEDIA DEMANDS IT.

Stepping off the stage

After quitting social media, I realized how much I was performing.

So much of my life has been a performance, even before social media.

I always needed to be perceived as successful, as kind, as smart, as artistic. It’s how I received love. It’s how I felt I had to earn my own love.

Social media was like crack for the performer in me. I latched onto it at a very young age, in middle school. I was good at it. I never looked back.

Today social feels like a stage where everyone is jockeying to get to the front. For some, their approach is earnest, thoughtful, and to be of service. For most, they climb the ranks with radical claims, division, shitposting, or empty positivity.

I’ve always tried to practice the former, but the reality is, everything is performative when you’re on a stage. Even “authenticity”. You’re still choosing your words for an audience. Perhaps there are people out there who can be 100% themselves and give zero attention to the people consuming their content. I haven’t met one.

Social media turns everyone into a mini-media company, catering to the invisible algorithm. It feels so far from human-ness.

And look, I’m not judging anyone. It’s how the platforms are designed. I had been highly performative at times

And to be clear, I’m performing right now as I write this newsletter. But at least, with this newsletter, I know I’m not catering to an algorithm. I’m writing what I want to write, and you’re reading it because you chose to read it.

Whatever you do, don’t fuck up

I noticed that when on social media, I’m a little scared, all the time.

It didn’t used to be this way. Culture has shifted.

As I’ve spoken to others about my experience, I learned that I’m far from alone. The fear of being called out or attacked online is everpresent for most people who create in my network. This has been true across race and gender.

It’s created a tense environment where people are struggling to talk to each other, they’re talking at or about each other, and everything feels charged.

Being off social media, all of this faded to the background. My personal conflict was still there of course, but I could focus on it on an individual, human level.

People who would speak with extremely charged language online would be much more human and nuanced offline. It’s like we’re totally different people when put in the social media container.

As soon as I log into social media, the fear comes back. What if something I say is misconstrued? What if something I say makes someone feel excluded? What if I’m attacked for some part of my identity?

Putting down the social measuring stick

Sometimes I see people celebrating their milestones and just feel pumped for them. A lot of the time, it just makes me feel bad about myself.

It’s the parts within me that believe I’m not enough, that hold financial insecurity, that crave success, and that loves to criticize me.

I compare. I feel envy. I judge myself for not doing enough.

Being off social media, I wasn’t constantly reminded of how far I have to go. I learned to appreciate the work for the sake of the work. I could focus on improving myself based on where I am today, rather than on where someone else is.

Reclaiming the nooks of the day

The biggest shift I’ve experienced is that my mind has been quieter.

Not a little quieter. A LOT quieter.

It’s like I’ve been standing next to a jet engine, and now I’m standing next to a toaster.

Social media has a way of filling in all the nooks of life, the little in-between spaces.

Walking to the car. Waiting for the microwave. Pooping.

Now, instead of opening social media, I just sit in the spaciousness of these little transitions throughout the day. They add up.

My anxiety has also been way down. Quitting social media coincided with many other changes in my life, and work on myself (therapy, breathwork, coaching, IFS, etc.), so it’s hard to claim cause and effect.

But I can feel the tide of anxiety slowly creeping back up as I’m using these tools again.

Better social nutrition

Social media feels like the “empty calories” of human connection. I’m filling my cup with connections, but they lack nutrition. They’re social donuts.

In its place, I’ve spent most of my social time in intimate and often vulnerable 1-1 conversations, usually while on walks in the woods.

I’ve been more present with my wife, kids, sister, friends, and parents.

I started seeking out in-person experiences like hebrew classes, local events, and in-person therapy.

I’ve spent my phone time in small group chats where there’s a culture of privacy and nonjudgment.

I’ve been reading and commenting on long-form content, engaging more fully with creators whos content speaks to me.

It’s all felt infinitely more human, more true, more real. 

Welcoming back my own thoughts

Social media tells you, 100x per minute, what to think, what to do, and what to care about.

You should do ____ to grow your business.

You should use your voice about ____ issue.

You should ____ every morning.

Open up your feed for one minute and count how often the thought, “I should _____” gets triggered. It’s wild.

It was like my brain was led by a train conductor with extreme ADD, who had absolutely no awareness of what was good for me, and just wanted me to stay on the train.

Being off social media helped me remember how to think for myself. I’m having my own thoughts again, rather than social media telling me what to focus on.

I’ve been able to spend my time with much greater intention. I learn what I feel called to learn, rather than what’s put in front of me.

So why am I thinking about returning to social media?

Over the past two weeks, slowly, uncertainly, I’ve started to dip my toes back in.

It just started happening as I’ve reemerged from my abyss. I think it’s because I’m starting to work again. Social media and work have always come hand-in-hand for me.

I can make it about 10-15 posts on Twitter before I get triggered. Linkedin is like three.

I feel like a rabbit, emerging from my den, sniffing around to see if there are any predators nearby. The slightest threat sends me sprinting back into the darkness.

There are three practical reasons I’ve found draw me to using social media:

1. I enjoy the practice of articulating my thoughts and ideas concisely, and value the informality of social media as a way to test ideas with the universe

2. It helps me grow my newsletter, my business, and my career

3. Social media is a powerful source of synchronicities that lead to new connections and learnings

I haven’t found great replacements.

I also have this story that I *should* be able to use social media without getting hooked and triggered.

I have friends who seem to use social media with great freedom, joy, and ease. Why can’t I?

If I can’t hold boundaries, and I keep getting triggered, that’s my work to do, right?

And yet I keep getting hooked and triggered. Which brings the shame that I couldn’t figure it out.

The social media addiction cycle

The other day, I asked my therapist, “What should I do if I’m addicted to social media?”

He said, “IF you’re actually addicted, you can’t use it. An addict can’t moderate their addiction. You’d need to just stay away”.

Am I an addict? I don’t know.

As soon as I start posting, the dopamine cycle hits and I can’t stop checking to see who liked and replied to my posts. It’s incessant. I’ll check like 30-40 times per day.

Each time I check my stats, it pulls me back into the feed. The feed makes me want to post. Posting makes me want to check my stats. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’ve tried all the apps to reduce social media usage. I deleted the social apps from my phone. I’ve tried to set boundaries. I still get swept up in it.

I’ve found that I can either use social media all the time or not at all. It’s been very difficult for me to find a balance.

Is there a way to use social media consciously?

I listened to a podcast that Daniel Thorson did a while back with Zak Stein about “American Culture’s Psychotic Break” and Daniel asked, “Is there a conscious way to use social media?”

Zak’s answer: “No.” 

I get it. It’s kind of like asking, “Is there a safe way to punch myself, and everyone around me, in the face?” That’s a silly question. Punching is inherently harmful.

If you and everyone around you have opted into punching each other in the face then I guess it’s morally okay, but it doesn’t make it good for you or anyone else. 

I know, that was an incredible analogy. Here’s another one…

It feels like social media is today’s cigarettes. Everyone does it and it’s killing us.

Unlike cigarettes, there are positive elements of social media. Maybe that makes it even more dangerous. We can convince ourselves that the loneliness, anger, jealousy, division, comparison, and depression it triggers is worth it. 

I joined Saumya Gupta on her podcast “Loneliness Busters” and we talked about the idea of putting a Surgeon General’s Warning on social media the same way we do on cigarettes. Imagine if every time you logged in, a pop up said:

“Social media can lead to feelings of loneliness, division, suicide, and might destroy society. Have fun building your following!”

The more optimistic side of me feels curious about how I can bring more mindfulness into using social media.

1. I could take three deep breaths and set an intention before logging in

2. I can create boundaries around the time I spend on social media and who I interact with

3. I can pause after reading each post and sense how it feels in my body

4. I could try to be a source of kindness, honesty, and patience

Or I could just keep not using it.

Maybe that’s okay.

What say you?

1. Have you ever quit social media? What did you learn?

2. Did you go back? Why? How’s it going?

3. If you’re a content creator who doesn’t use social media… how?

4. How many posts can you read before feeling triggered? How many “shoulds” come up in a minute of scrolling?

5. Is there a way to use social media consciously? Or is it a fundamentally flawed system?