I resonate so deeply with what you've shared. I could have put multiple quotes from your essay here as things that I've thought or felt myself. I went off social media for 4 months at the end of last year into the beginning of this year. I experienced many of the positives you described. The biggest one was that I felt like myself again - I had my own thoughts, I felt more sparks of creativity that came from me and not from seeing something online to try (whether hobby, cleaning technique, practice etc). I didn't realize how deeply influenced I was by social media. I've never really been one to be influenced into purchasing a good like a new makeup palette, clothes, beauty product or whatever else they sell out of their amazon store. But I was influenced in my mindset particularly about productivity, self growth and achieving "success".
I too went back and I've decided to slowly taper off my use until I get to nothing. I cannot moderate my use, either I'm on and addicted (I actually have a post coming out on Monday entitled "I'm addicted to Instagram") or I'm off of it. Once I go back on my use consistently increases until I'm spending an uncomfortable amount of time online which brings a whole host of issues, like anxiety for one and the comparisonitis ("not enough").
Social media is a performance and it is exhausting, even when people try to be authentic, it is almost a performance of authenticity (can we truly be authentic with a camera in our face?)
This is something I've been deeply reflecting on. Not just how it impacts me, but also how it has changed society. I've been reading about how the algorithms work for behaviour modification and manipulation and it is scary stuff! It's becoming something I don't want to participate in because of how insipid it is.
Did you become aware of how other people around you were using your phone when you were off of social media? That's something I became hyper aware of.
Obviously I have a lot of thoughts and feelings I'm working through. It's difficult because if I didn't have a business I would probably have cut it out years ago. I want to connect with people, and meet them where they are. Most people are on these apps (maybe you feel the same since you're all about community building). I'll be diving deeper into this on my substack all of next month when we all reflect on our relationship with social media. It isn't about whether or not to leave it, but looking at what it brings up in you and why.
So appreciate you sharing your experience here Liz. Sounds like we've been thinking about a lot of the same things. Excited to read your post.
"Did you become aware of how other people around you were using your phone when you were off of social media?"
Yes! Extremely aware. I notice myself feeling judgment and sadness, but also pride. In those moments it feels like I've stepped out of the matrix.
"if I didn't have a business I would probably have cut it out years ago."
This is the story I keep telling myself too.
I've been experimenting for the past couple months if I can still grow this newsletter, and my business, without using social media. So far the answer is definitely yes. It might be a bit slower, at least for the newsletter growth, but I can see the truth in other stories. "I can build my business, my network, and reach the right people, without social media."
If you work with that constraint, you may come up with some creative ways to grow your business that doesn't default to growing a social media following. I feel like social media has just become the default answer to how to grow a business, especially for creators. It's a story that's worthy of our questioning.
It does seem like we've experienced similar things!
I felt similarly - that mixture of judgment, sadness and pride when being surrounded by people who were staring at a screen and I was just, there.
When I was off social media I did get more creative in my business. I started doing in person events through yoga studios and wellness boutiques and making genuine connections there. I also have a lot more creative energy to devote to my newsletter here and working on new memberships and things. I think you're right in the belief that we need social media for business might be a limiting one. And perhaps there's more quality connections when we go off social media than the quantity of people we can reach with it.
I find it super upsetting how often I’ll be the only parent at the playground not on my phone. And even when hanging out with family, I’ll be the only one not on a screen, except for my kids.
I gave up posting my work on social media, instead focusing 1000% on my email subscribers instead. Instead of always chasing more more more, just looking inward at people who've already said "yes, I'm here," and doing what I can to make the best work for them, and hopefully it's good enough for them to want to share it.
I plan on digging into your content, but curious if there are any core themes you've identified in how creators navigate their work without using social media.
Right now more seeing artists using socials as a place to guide folks towards their newsletter sign up, but then I see a lot of those newsletters just follow the ALL BUSINESS approach - lots of boring graphics and BUY NOW buttons, while still posting the "cool stuff" on social media... I call this MULLET MARKETING, which I write about here:
Great article. I love the pre-warning note on social media idea haha!
I have been almost obsessing over this question more from a business perspective. I stopped using social media many years back (except creating an insta account dedicated to accurately reviewing the best almond croissants in sydney...even then, I'd find myself sucked in)
For context, I also used to work at TikTok so (not that this will surprise anyone) I would see the celebration of the usage datafrom people. It didn't sit right with me so I've since started a breathwork business focusing on corporate and bringing self awareness to employees and leaders.
The challenge was...do I use social media to share and inform people "how to be mindful at work"? The irony is almost comical and I must say, most business has come from reaching out directly and speaking with people in my network. The elephant in the room is, how long will that last before I need to reach out to an "unknown" network, and is this where social media steps in? Even if it doesn't direct actual clients to me, does it work as social proof? "Is this guy legit? Will this be a massive flop if I bring this into our business? Do others follow him? How influencial is he?"
It seems we are ripe for a new way of doing things as a society and I think you'd struggle to find people who don't see the harm it causes (except the ones who you mentioned make up the stories as to why it might be good for them)
We still want the the connection social media brings. Right now it feels like as a society we are in an abusive relationship with someone who once used to charm us and promise us the world and fill out hearts, but (just like the frog in boiling water) has slowly changed and neglected the original promises, but we hold on to the old story and hope they once gave us. Is this a case of Stockholm syndrome with social media?
Love to keep this conversation going with others who also struggle with this. Such a great topic and so happy to see I am not alone in this dilemma.
This line hit me: "do I use social media to share and inform people "how to be mindful at work"?"
The analogy came up of organizing an AA meeting at a bar.
I have the same struggle. Do I share my experience with mindfulness, awareness, and healing on a platform designed for the antithesis of these concepts?
I do think the answer is yes, you can do a lot of good by sharing this kind of content on social media. For some, your content may be the red pill they've been looking for.
But doing so means you're committing yourself to suffering, but also having to be present on these platforms, and amongst all the energy they hold.
It's a great point. Especially when I think the 'red pill' for me in this step towards mindfulness was an Alan Watts video posted on Facebook "what would you do if money was no object"... And I guess the people on social (including myself when on it) are the ones most likely in a moment of 'unconscious discomfort' and finding a distraction from being present. Great stuff on raising this topic. Definitely given me food for thought
Great post! This is catching me in a place of desperately needing to quit and simultaneously feeling like I need to be posting to advance career, opportunities, etc.
Have you ever quit social media? What did you learn?
Yes -- Facebook, some long day ago. If something makes you feel bad you don't need to do it.
Did you go back? Why? How’s it going?
No. Because it made me feel bad. I feel great not being there.
If you’re a content creator who doesn’t use social media… how?
I have only three portals online. Here on substack, and there on linkedin, and elsewhere on birddapp (which I no longer use because it blows). My goal isn't to entertain "everyone" just "everyone interested in finding me". You don't have to be on a platform to be found in the world.
How many posts can you read before feeling triggered? How many “shoulds” come up in a minute of scrolling?
I am guessing you are talking about the blueskybirdmx app? Or unfortunately NOTES too (these days). I don't spend much time on either anymore because of how many mutes I have to do in order to make it useful. I would love to help build an app for owning discovery and creating communities. Some day.
Is there a way to use social media consciously? Or is it a fundamentally flawed system?
Until we control our own algorithm there is no personal consciousness, just what they want us to see/use. Up to you if you like that flavor ice cream. Personally I prefer the algorithm of in person community networks over app based friend attempting. Everyone is more honest to your face and ears.
I quit it all and came back to share my writings and find coaching clients. I seem to have stayed away long enough that I have much less desire to scroll anymore, but that’s partially because I know how quickly it spirals, so I don’t take the first plunge. But not having any of the apps on my phone helps. My posting is done in a browser once or twice a week at certain times
Thanks Dan. Do you find yourself get caught in the loop of checking your stats?
Do you find that it's been effective for sharing your writing and getting clients, if you're not fulling immersing yourself in the game? I'm thinking of the story I hear from a lot of people that you can't just promote your work on social media. You have to engage, show up, create just for the platform, etc.
My presence is so lowly that it's hardly worth checking the stats 😂 Maybe that will change as things pick up. My writings alone seem to have brought in more clients than the social media per se, so far, but it's a small amount. Yes, I do see the repeating theme of engagement with others as a key to growing an audience. I'm starting to do that a little more, but I'm limiting it mostly to Substack (comments and Notes) which feels manageable so far.
I went off Instagram for a year. It was surprisingly easy because I realized that if I am very honest, I don't want to interact with the people who respond to my stories. They don't say anything bad, on the contrary, it's just not someone I want to hang out irl with. Also, I felt like I was posting the same things; to the point where I started wondering if I had taken a picture of this weird thing before or not. So why continue? First, I set a 10-minute time limit and quickly couldn't even do the 10 minutes, I was so bored with it. And as for the fun photos I used to share, I just sent to the friends I wanted to see them (or not at all). It was way more rewarding, just like you described your experince with friends group chats.
I now need to get back on IG for my little side business and I am slightly dreading it.
LinkedIn used to give me anxiety until I started looking at it through the eyes of an anthropologist (which I am not but summon her when scroll through this bizarretorium). It's so poorly designed for authentic human interaction that I can't take it seriously anymore, just get fascinated at how LinkedIn makes us act. I think this disenchantment was key for me, it doesn't have power over me anymore (disclaimer: I am not a creator). It allowed me to distance myself from its performative professionalism (term coined by @Fadeke Adegbuyi). And setting a screenshot from Wild At Heart where Nicholas Cage is lying on the ground and says, well, 'But I am wild at heart' as my background picture helps scare off recruiters.
These 2 articles helped me break the LinkedIn spell:
I honestly doubt there is a way to have a healthy relationship with these platforms because their success metrics enforce certain behaviours. I think I will continue summoning my inner anthropologist and use the methods you shared, thank you for that.
"And setting a screenshot from Wild At Heart where Nicholas Cage is lying on the ground and says, well, 'But I am wild at heart' as my background picture helps scare off recruiters."
hahaha this gave me a good chuckle
really appreciate you sharing Taya. So much resonates here. I love the idea of looking at LI as an anthropologist.
I quit instagram years ago and never looked back. For some reason, it just never hooked me like the others. I guess I never used it for business, and didn't generate a huge following on there, which helps leave it. Similar with tiktok, I was scrolling for hours and realized I just needed to quit. It's been very easy to not go back.
I can resonate this topic so well. As I am currently going through this phase of social detox. I started off the digital detox last Dec 2023 just for 10 days during the holiday time. But then, the peace which I experienced and the amount of getting quality time with my loved ones with no FOMOs and endless scrolling on Insta made me to continue till date. 5 months and it is still going strong. Except for my occasional LinkedIn posts regarding my job updates and WhatsApp only for necessary communication. As a private person, I do really enjoy this phase. 💅✍️💆♀️
I’ve had an on-off relationship with social media for a long time (tellingly, if you would say that about a person, that would get labelled toxic right away). Being in high school when Facebook got started makes me one of the OG users, and a career in media means it absolutely was part of my job description from day one.
But yes to the performative aspect, but for me the sheer TIME wasted on content creation for social media that had such a short shelf live and rarely had a meaningful impact was the biggie. I’d spent hours making something but didn’t feel like I’d made anything worthwhile, not how I’d feel when creating long-form content. So I left, decided my newsletter and podcasts (this was pre-Substack) would be my main channels.
And a year ago I was in the same place as you, deciding to dip my toes back in. Had rules and new goals for myself. In my case, it didn’t stick. The loudness has just grown, the return on time invested shrunk even more (for me at least). So I’m back off.
But it’s tricky because I also agree that I haven’t found what a good alternative is to it to grow when you have your own business. I’m fortunate that I’ve been around enough to be able to keep going based on mostly referrals & returning clients, but it’s not the most sustainable model and definitely not one I’ll grow with. That’s been okay for me at the moment since I’m still getting over burnout, but the thought of “what next?” keeps getting louder.
If I have the choice, I’d turn my back on social and never look back. Just not sure I do.
So good David - can only agree 100% with you! I get sick of social media when I'm getting sucked into the content creation system. You mentioned some people find joy and freedom when using social media, I find it to be possible if we don't force ourselves to things like # of posts per day, content pillars, writing amazing hooks, etc.. Just share and expect nothing. Then we are all good!
“ It feels like social media is today’s cigarettes. Everyone does it and it’s killing us.”
Oof. It’s so incredibly tough. I don’t think there is a healthy way to engage with social media. There are positives, but they don’t outweigh how it re-wires your brain.
And yet. I have an almost 9K member community on Facebook, and run a software company, where connections and insights from those members are incredibly insightful.
I’m an introvert, who has moved around multiple times since college, I homeschool my kids, not religious and both my husband and I work from home. So in a lot of ways, social media is our only major interaction with others. I’ve met amazing people thru it.
But that constant stimulus and distraction keeps me from building community locally bc that shit is HARD WORK.
And coupled with that, I’m able to very quickly (compared to in real life) identify people who I connect with on social media. In real life, I’ve found so many people who I don’t really identify with.
But in so many ways, that’s the danger and polarization that social media creates.
Urgh. It’s a tough question.
I leave my phone in other rooms and often don’t take it with me. Family members think I’m odd, but it’s the only way I can let go of the noise for a bit.
Really beautifully said, David. It reminds me of an article I wrote about parts of this feeling 10 years ago: FOPA - The Fear of Posting Anything. https://thelma.com/2013/08/25/fopa/
I really resonated with "a little bit afraid all the time". Social Media can make us hyper self-conscious. However when I think about my friend's posts, I'm almost always just excited to see them and want to see them thriving.
There's a yin and yang to Social for sure. Two conflicting truths of the benefits and (pretty dang serious) drawbacks exist at the same time.
My 2 cents - I always love seeing your content and it makes my life better! Performative or not.
And I really appreciate your 2 cents. I’m realizing I hold a story that people on LinkedIn don’t like me and what I write. I think a few critics have gotten in my head, and I project theirs views of me onto everyone else. There’s also some transference happening where I feel critical / jealous toward some people I follow on social media and assume people feel the same way toward me.
Interesting how well this comment + follow up fits in alongside what you wrote for this post.
My therapist taught me a trick for when I am getting self-critical. "Who is a best friend that has your back? What would THEY say to you right now?" I try to focus on imagining my audience as someone that has my back, and not someone waiting to pounce with criticism.
I still haven't mastered FOPA, but that trick helps when it pops up.
I've received the advice of treating yourself like you would a best friend. I've never considered applying that exercise to my audience. It feels like such a profound shift in mindset for me. I really like it. Will try putting it into practice. Thanks Aaron.
Loved this David and (as you know) inhabiting a lot of similar questions. Curious if you think about Substack as social media and/or experince the same addictive cycle you describe here?
Yes, I consider Substack to be social media once they added Notes.
I experience an addictive cycle but it’s not as strong.
For my newsletter, I find myself checking my subscriber stats and likes/comments incessantly. But it doesn’t pull me into the notes feed the same way. It’s not designed that way. I can check it and then put it away for a while.
I wish I could turn off likes on my posts.
I also find the content and community on notes to be a lot more thoughtful and less triggering for me, currently.
I've been feeling the same with substack! I deactivated Facebook and don't have any social media apps on my phone. Once I installed the substack app, I find myself chasing the likes again. I'll probably end up deleting the app on my phone.
I'm wondering what Substack (and social media in general) is giving me. I think it's like you said @David Spinks, it's connection, but empty calorie connection. I really truly feel that connection and community is missing in our society today and that's what people are trying to find online. When I go offline, I'm more likely to search out different events and spaces in my local area.
Somewhat similar, probably 10x less addictive but still some of that cycle present. One of the experiments I want to try soon is a daily "intentional internet hour" where I batch all social media related activity to a single hour and try to approach it with reverence and a sense of presence similar to a meditation or yoga practice. There's a part of me that feels like this kind of hyper-intentional engagement is possible with enough practice, and another that agrees it's a lost cause and total withdrawal is better.
I want to have that kind of practice as well. Maybe we can try it together and check in with each other on it.
What's funny, just to name the story in my head, is that I don't want to dedicate a whole hour to social media. I have a hard time carving out time in the day for this.
But instead, I end up spending much more than an hour, unconsciously checking it throughout the day.
yeah let’s do it. originally the intention was 30min/day but I think that’s unrealistic as a starting point. planning on having my assistant + AI create a round up of sorts that makes it really easy to sequence through posts coming from the people I care about across networks, and so I don’t imagine this hour being scrolling/discovery, but a more thoughtful review of most relevant stuff with an emphasis on replying/engaging/supporting ppl
Thank you very a very thoughtful and observant article. "It feels like social media is today’s cigarettes. Everyone does it and it’s killing us" - brilliant quote.
What you have said is so very true - which is why I dislike social media and I've (luckily) never been addicted. There are WAY more negatives than positives. It's DESIGNED to be addictive, it's designed to bring out the worst in people, it's too easy to read into things and assume stuff when you are just dealing with words on a screen and there is no body language and no subtle nuance!
Not to mention the regular scammers on Marketplace and the AI generated profiles (usually on FB) that are literally CREATED to say controversial things and flare people up. As well as some of the fake feel good cat/dog videos on Instagram designed to see what draws in particular people.
If it wasn't for the stuff I sometimes sell on FB marketplace, and the cat videos my family share -
I'd leave without a care. And even when I DO engage on marketplace I find myself more distracted and more easily irritated when I have 'talked' with too many people via a screen.
Good on you for leaving. And I DO think - and know - there is a conscious way to use social media - but not if you have already been addicted in the past, if you have low self awareness, if you can't tolerate boredom, and if you're nervous system is already over stimulated, via coffee, loud noises, conflict, etc. I wish you all the best!
I resonate so deeply with what you've shared. I could have put multiple quotes from your essay here as things that I've thought or felt myself. I went off social media for 4 months at the end of last year into the beginning of this year. I experienced many of the positives you described. The biggest one was that I felt like myself again - I had my own thoughts, I felt more sparks of creativity that came from me and not from seeing something online to try (whether hobby, cleaning technique, practice etc). I didn't realize how deeply influenced I was by social media. I've never really been one to be influenced into purchasing a good like a new makeup palette, clothes, beauty product or whatever else they sell out of their amazon store. But I was influenced in my mindset particularly about productivity, self growth and achieving "success".
I too went back and I've decided to slowly taper off my use until I get to nothing. I cannot moderate my use, either I'm on and addicted (I actually have a post coming out on Monday entitled "I'm addicted to Instagram") or I'm off of it. Once I go back on my use consistently increases until I'm spending an uncomfortable amount of time online which brings a whole host of issues, like anxiety for one and the comparisonitis ("not enough").
Social media is a performance and it is exhausting, even when people try to be authentic, it is almost a performance of authenticity (can we truly be authentic with a camera in our face?)
This is something I've been deeply reflecting on. Not just how it impacts me, but also how it has changed society. I've been reading about how the algorithms work for behaviour modification and manipulation and it is scary stuff! It's becoming something I don't want to participate in because of how insipid it is.
Did you become aware of how other people around you were using your phone when you were off of social media? That's something I became hyper aware of.
Obviously I have a lot of thoughts and feelings I'm working through. It's difficult because if I didn't have a business I would probably have cut it out years ago. I want to connect with people, and meet them where they are. Most people are on these apps (maybe you feel the same since you're all about community building). I'll be diving deeper into this on my substack all of next month when we all reflect on our relationship with social media. It isn't about whether or not to leave it, but looking at what it brings up in you and why.
So appreciate you sharing your experience here Liz. Sounds like we've been thinking about a lot of the same things. Excited to read your post.
"Did you become aware of how other people around you were using your phone when you were off of social media?"
Yes! Extremely aware. I notice myself feeling judgment and sadness, but also pride. In those moments it feels like I've stepped out of the matrix.
"if I didn't have a business I would probably have cut it out years ago."
This is the story I keep telling myself too.
I've been experimenting for the past couple months if I can still grow this newsletter, and my business, without using social media. So far the answer is definitely yes. It might be a bit slower, at least for the newsletter growth, but I can see the truth in other stories. "I can build my business, my network, and reach the right people, without social media."
If you work with that constraint, you may come up with some creative ways to grow your business that doesn't default to growing a social media following. I feel like social media has just become the default answer to how to grow a business, especially for creators. It's a story that's worthy of our questioning.
It does seem like we've experienced similar things!
I felt similarly - that mixture of judgment, sadness and pride when being surrounded by people who were staring at a screen and I was just, there.
When I was off social media I did get more creative in my business. I started doing in person events through yoga studios and wellness boutiques and making genuine connections there. I also have a lot more creative energy to devote to my newsletter here and working on new memberships and things. I think you're right in the belief that we need social media for business might be a limiting one. And perhaps there's more quality connections when we go off social media than the quantity of people we can reach with it.
I find it super upsetting how often I’ll be the only parent at the playground not on my phone. And even when hanging out with family, I’ll be the only one not on a screen, except for my kids.
It’s an addiction, plain and simple.
It is super depressing actually. It is an addiction but one that is socially accepted (like our collective addiction to caffeine).
As an elementary teacher, it’s pretty obvious which kids are “iPad kids” and I commend you for being present with yours!
I gave up posting my work on social media, instead focusing 1000% on my email subscribers instead. Instead of always chasing more more more, just looking inward at people who've already said "yes, I'm here," and doing what I can to make the best work for them, and hopefully it's good enough for them to want to share it.
I love the name of your newsletter. Looks like you’ve given this a lot of thought. I have some reading to do!
Thank you, and oh, I've got thoughts on the subject! hahah
I plan on digging into your content, but curious if there are any core themes you've identified in how creators navigate their work without using social media.
Not many have taken the leap!
Right now more seeing artists using socials as a place to guide folks towards their newsletter sign up, but then I see a lot of those newsletters just follow the ALL BUSINESS approach - lots of boring graphics and BUY NOW buttons, while still posting the "cool stuff" on social media... I call this MULLET MARKETING, which I write about here:
https://socialmediaescapeclub.substack.com/p/make-sure-youre-not-mullet-marketing
I know Beth Spencer is still semi-active on IG, but she does a great job with her newsletter by building community around group drawing classes.
https://www.introvertdrawingclub.com/
Great article. I love the pre-warning note on social media idea haha!
I have been almost obsessing over this question more from a business perspective. I stopped using social media many years back (except creating an insta account dedicated to accurately reviewing the best almond croissants in sydney...even then, I'd find myself sucked in)
For context, I also used to work at TikTok so (not that this will surprise anyone) I would see the celebration of the usage datafrom people. It didn't sit right with me so I've since started a breathwork business focusing on corporate and bringing self awareness to employees and leaders.
The challenge was...do I use social media to share and inform people "how to be mindful at work"? The irony is almost comical and I must say, most business has come from reaching out directly and speaking with people in my network. The elephant in the room is, how long will that last before I need to reach out to an "unknown" network, and is this where social media steps in? Even if it doesn't direct actual clients to me, does it work as social proof? "Is this guy legit? Will this be a massive flop if I bring this into our business? Do others follow him? How influencial is he?"
It seems we are ripe for a new way of doing things as a society and I think you'd struggle to find people who don't see the harm it causes (except the ones who you mentioned make up the stories as to why it might be good for them)
We still want the the connection social media brings. Right now it feels like as a society we are in an abusive relationship with someone who once used to charm us and promise us the world and fill out hearts, but (just like the frog in boiling water) has slowly changed and neglected the original promises, but we hold on to the old story and hope they once gave us. Is this a case of Stockholm syndrome with social media?
Love to keep this conversation going with others who also struggle with this. Such a great topic and so happy to see I am not alone in this dilemma.
Thanks so much for sharing Daniel.
This line hit me: "do I use social media to share and inform people "how to be mindful at work"?"
The analogy came up of organizing an AA meeting at a bar.
I have the same struggle. Do I share my experience with mindfulness, awareness, and healing on a platform designed for the antithesis of these concepts?
I do think the answer is yes, you can do a lot of good by sharing this kind of content on social media. For some, your content may be the red pill they've been looking for.
But doing so means you're committing yourself to suffering, but also having to be present on these platforms, and amongst all the energy they hold.
It's a great point. Especially when I think the 'red pill' for me in this step towards mindfulness was an Alan Watts video posted on Facebook "what would you do if money was no object"... And I guess the people on social (including myself when on it) are the ones most likely in a moment of 'unconscious discomfort' and finding a distraction from being present. Great stuff on raising this topic. Definitely given me food for thought
Great post! This is catching me in a place of desperately needing to quit and simultaneously feeling like I need to be posting to advance career, opportunities, etc.
That’s exactly the dilemma I’ve been sitting with.
From all the comments and replies I’ve been getting, we’re definitely not alone.
Have you ever quit social media? What did you learn?
Yes -- Facebook, some long day ago. If something makes you feel bad you don't need to do it.
Did you go back? Why? How’s it going?
No. Because it made me feel bad. I feel great not being there.
If you’re a content creator who doesn’t use social media… how?
I have only three portals online. Here on substack, and there on linkedin, and elsewhere on birddapp (which I no longer use because it blows). My goal isn't to entertain "everyone" just "everyone interested in finding me". You don't have to be on a platform to be found in the world.
How many posts can you read before feeling triggered? How many “shoulds” come up in a minute of scrolling?
I am guessing you are talking about the blueskybirdmx app? Or unfortunately NOTES too (these days). I don't spend much time on either anymore because of how many mutes I have to do in order to make it useful. I would love to help build an app for owning discovery and creating communities. Some day.
Is there a way to use social media consciously? Or is it a fundamentally flawed system?
Until we control our own algorithm there is no personal consciousness, just what they want us to see/use. Up to you if you like that flavor ice cream. Personally I prefer the algorithm of in person community networks over app based friend attempting. Everyone is more honest to your face and ears.
This HIT. wow - "It feels like social media is today’s cigarettes. Everyone does it and it’s killing us."
Happy thursday! 🙃
I quit it all and came back to share my writings and find coaching clients. I seem to have stayed away long enough that I have much less desire to scroll anymore, but that’s partially because I know how quickly it spirals, so I don’t take the first plunge. But not having any of the apps on my phone helps. My posting is done in a browser once or twice a week at certain times
Thanks Dan. Do you find yourself get caught in the loop of checking your stats?
Do you find that it's been effective for sharing your writing and getting clients, if you're not fulling immersing yourself in the game? I'm thinking of the story I hear from a lot of people that you can't just promote your work on social media. You have to engage, show up, create just for the platform, etc.
My presence is so lowly that it's hardly worth checking the stats 😂 Maybe that will change as things pick up. My writings alone seem to have brought in more clients than the social media per se, so far, but it's a small amount. Yes, I do see the repeating theme of engagement with others as a key to growing an audience. I'm starting to do that a little more, but I'm limiting it mostly to Substack (comments and Notes) which feels manageable so far.
I went off Instagram for a year. It was surprisingly easy because I realized that if I am very honest, I don't want to interact with the people who respond to my stories. They don't say anything bad, on the contrary, it's just not someone I want to hang out irl with. Also, I felt like I was posting the same things; to the point where I started wondering if I had taken a picture of this weird thing before or not. So why continue? First, I set a 10-minute time limit and quickly couldn't even do the 10 minutes, I was so bored with it. And as for the fun photos I used to share, I just sent to the friends I wanted to see them (or not at all). It was way more rewarding, just like you described your experince with friends group chats.
I now need to get back on IG for my little side business and I am slightly dreading it.
LinkedIn used to give me anxiety until I started looking at it through the eyes of an anthropologist (which I am not but summon her when scroll through this bizarretorium). It's so poorly designed for authentic human interaction that I can't take it seriously anymore, just get fascinated at how LinkedIn makes us act. I think this disenchantment was key for me, it doesn't have power over me anymore (disclaimer: I am not a creator). It allowed me to distance myself from its performative professionalism (term coined by @Fadeke Adegbuyi). And setting a screenshot from Wild At Heart where Nicholas Cage is lying on the ground and says, well, 'But I am wild at heart' as my background picture helps scare off recruiters.
These 2 articles helped me break the LinkedIn spell:
- A funny one by Trung Phan: https://www.readtrung.com/p/why-is-linkedin-so-cringe
- A serious one by Fadeke Adegbuyi: https://every.to/divinations/linkedins-alternate-universe-21780381
I honestly doubt there is a way to have a healthy relationship with these platforms because their success metrics enforce certain behaviours. I think I will continue summoning my inner anthropologist and use the methods you shared, thank you for that.
"And setting a screenshot from Wild At Heart where Nicholas Cage is lying on the ground and says, well, 'But I am wild at heart' as my background picture helps scare off recruiters."
hahaha this gave me a good chuckle
really appreciate you sharing Taya. So much resonates here. I love the idea of looking at LI as an anthropologist.
I quit instagram years ago and never looked back. For some reason, it just never hooked me like the others. I guess I never used it for business, and didn't generate a huge following on there, which helps leave it. Similar with tiktok, I was scrolling for hours and realized I just needed to quit. It's been very easy to not go back.
Really insightful and the whole essay on performance really resonated.
Thanks for sharing
Appreciate you reading Jake!
I can resonate this topic so well. As I am currently going through this phase of social detox. I started off the digital detox last Dec 2023 just for 10 days during the holiday time. But then, the peace which I experienced and the amount of getting quality time with my loved ones with no FOMOs and endless scrolling on Insta made me to continue till date. 5 months and it is still going strong. Except for my occasional LinkedIn posts regarding my job updates and WhatsApp only for necessary communication. As a private person, I do really enjoy this phase. 💅✍️💆♀️
<3 thanks for sharing Jay
I’ve had an on-off relationship with social media for a long time (tellingly, if you would say that about a person, that would get labelled toxic right away). Being in high school when Facebook got started makes me one of the OG users, and a career in media means it absolutely was part of my job description from day one.
But yes to the performative aspect, but for me the sheer TIME wasted on content creation for social media that had such a short shelf live and rarely had a meaningful impact was the biggie. I’d spent hours making something but didn’t feel like I’d made anything worthwhile, not how I’d feel when creating long-form content. So I left, decided my newsletter and podcasts (this was pre-Substack) would be my main channels.
And a year ago I was in the same place as you, deciding to dip my toes back in. Had rules and new goals for myself. In my case, it didn’t stick. The loudness has just grown, the return on time invested shrunk even more (for me at least). So I’m back off.
But it’s tricky because I also agree that I haven’t found what a good alternative is to it to grow when you have your own business. I’m fortunate that I’ve been around enough to be able to keep going based on mostly referrals & returning clients, but it’s not the most sustainable model and definitely not one I’ll grow with. That’s been okay for me at the moment since I’m still getting over burnout, but the thought of “what next?” keeps getting louder.
If I have the choice, I’d turn my back on social and never look back. Just not sure I do.
So good David - can only agree 100% with you! I get sick of social media when I'm getting sucked into the content creation system. You mentioned some people find joy and freedom when using social media, I find it to be possible if we don't force ourselves to things like # of posts per day, content pillars, writing amazing hooks, etc.. Just share and expect nothing. Then we are all good!
“ It feels like social media is today’s cigarettes. Everyone does it and it’s killing us.”
Oof. It’s so incredibly tough. I don’t think there is a healthy way to engage with social media. There are positives, but they don’t outweigh how it re-wires your brain.
And yet. I have an almost 9K member community on Facebook, and run a software company, where connections and insights from those members are incredibly insightful.
I’m an introvert, who has moved around multiple times since college, I homeschool my kids, not religious and both my husband and I work from home. So in a lot of ways, social media is our only major interaction with others. I’ve met amazing people thru it.
But that constant stimulus and distraction keeps me from building community locally bc that shit is HARD WORK.
And coupled with that, I’m able to very quickly (compared to in real life) identify people who I connect with on social media. In real life, I’ve found so many people who I don’t really identify with.
But in so many ways, that’s the danger and polarization that social media creates.
Urgh. It’s a tough question.
I leave my phone in other rooms and often don’t take it with me. Family members think I’m odd, but it’s the only way I can let go of the noise for a bit.
Really beautifully said, David. It reminds me of an article I wrote about parts of this feeling 10 years ago: FOPA - The Fear of Posting Anything. https://thelma.com/2013/08/25/fopa/
I really resonated with "a little bit afraid all the time". Social Media can make us hyper self-conscious. However when I think about my friend's posts, I'm almost always just excited to see them and want to see them thriving.
There's a yin and yang to Social for sure. Two conflicting truths of the benefits and (pretty dang serious) drawbacks exist at the same time.
My 2 cents - I always love seeing your content and it makes my life better! Performative or not.
FOPA resonates big time!
And I really appreciate your 2 cents. I’m realizing I hold a story that people on LinkedIn don’t like me and what I write. I think a few critics have gotten in my head, and I project theirs views of me onto everyone else. There’s also some transference happening where I feel critical / jealous toward some people I follow on social media and assume people feel the same way toward me.
Interesting how well this comment + follow up fits in alongside what you wrote for this post.
My therapist taught me a trick for when I am getting self-critical. "Who is a best friend that has your back? What would THEY say to you right now?" I try to focus on imagining my audience as someone that has my back, and not someone waiting to pounce with criticism.
I still haven't mastered FOPA, but that trick helps when it pops up.
I've received the advice of treating yourself like you would a best friend. I've never considered applying that exercise to my audience. It feels like such a profound shift in mindset for me. I really like it. Will try putting it into practice. Thanks Aaron.
Loved this David and (as you know) inhabiting a lot of similar questions. Curious if you think about Substack as social media and/or experince the same addictive cycle you describe here?
Grateful to have you on this journey with me.
Yes, I consider Substack to be social media once they added Notes.
I experience an addictive cycle but it’s not as strong.
For my newsletter, I find myself checking my subscriber stats and likes/comments incessantly. But it doesn’t pull me into the notes feed the same way. It’s not designed that way. I can check it and then put it away for a while.
I wish I could turn off likes on my posts.
I also find the content and community on notes to be a lot more thoughtful and less triggering for me, currently.
What has your experience on Substack been?
I've been feeling the same with substack! I deactivated Facebook and don't have any social media apps on my phone. Once I installed the substack app, I find myself chasing the likes again. I'll probably end up deleting the app on my phone.
I'm wondering what Substack (and social media in general) is giving me. I think it's like you said @David Spinks, it's connection, but empty calorie connection. I really truly feel that connection and community is missing in our society today and that's what people are trying to find online. When I go offline, I'm more likely to search out different events and spaces in my local area.
Somewhat similar, probably 10x less addictive but still some of that cycle present. One of the experiments I want to try soon is a daily "intentional internet hour" where I batch all social media related activity to a single hour and try to approach it with reverence and a sense of presence similar to a meditation or yoga practice. There's a part of me that feels like this kind of hyper-intentional engagement is possible with enough practice, and another that agrees it's a lost cause and total withdrawal is better.
I want to have that kind of practice as well. Maybe we can try it together and check in with each other on it.
What's funny, just to name the story in my head, is that I don't want to dedicate a whole hour to social media. I have a hard time carving out time in the day for this.
But instead, I end up spending much more than an hour, unconsciously checking it throughout the day.
yeah let’s do it. originally the intention was 30min/day but I think that’s unrealistic as a starting point. planning on having my assistant + AI create a round up of sorts that makes it really easy to sequence through posts coming from the people I care about across networks, and so I don’t imagine this hour being scrolling/discovery, but a more thoughtful review of most relevant stuff with an emphasis on replying/engaging/supporting ppl
Thank you very a very thoughtful and observant article. "It feels like social media is today’s cigarettes. Everyone does it and it’s killing us" - brilliant quote.
What you have said is so very true - which is why I dislike social media and I've (luckily) never been addicted. There are WAY more negatives than positives. It's DESIGNED to be addictive, it's designed to bring out the worst in people, it's too easy to read into things and assume stuff when you are just dealing with words on a screen and there is no body language and no subtle nuance!
Not to mention the regular scammers on Marketplace and the AI generated profiles (usually on FB) that are literally CREATED to say controversial things and flare people up. As well as some of the fake feel good cat/dog videos on Instagram designed to see what draws in particular people.
If it wasn't for the stuff I sometimes sell on FB marketplace, and the cat videos my family share -
I'd leave without a care. And even when I DO engage on marketplace I find myself more distracted and more easily irritated when I have 'talked' with too many people via a screen.
Good on you for leaving. And I DO think - and know - there is a conscious way to use social media - but not if you have already been addicted in the past, if you have low self awareness, if you can't tolerate boredom, and if you're nervous system is already over stimulated, via coffee, loud noises, conflict, etc. I wish you all the best!