Say it Imperfectly
How to share hard things before you have the words
I have a hard time sharing vulnerable things until I've perfected exactly how I want to say it.
It’s the part of me that yearns to be seen and understood. It worries that I'll say something wrong, that doesn't truly represent how I feel, that might hurt someone, that might hurt me, or that will cause me to be abandoned.
So I keep it to myself and rehearse and rehearse and rehearse until I feel like I can safely express it without hurting anyone (not possible it turns out!)
One solution I’ve been practicing: I ask for permission to "say it imperfectly".
I’ll say something like, “hey, I want to talk about this, but I don’t know exactly how to say it. Is it okay if I say it imperfectly?”
It’s the verbal version of writing a “shitty first draft”.
The results have been incredible. The conversation starts to feel more like an experiment we're running together. Like I get to try the words on for size and see if they fit.
And the other person gets to be my partner in helping me more accurately name my experience. They know to not take my words as absolute truth, but as more of a suggestion.
This has been especially helpful when I’m in conflict with someone. My conflict avoidance kicks in and I try to find the perfect words to fix the situation. By asking for permission to “say it imperfectly”, it takes all the pressure off, and allows me to have an open conversation with the other person.
It's so freeing to get to speak to someone openly without worrying about it being held as truth.
I put so much value on “honesty” but it’s hard to be honest when you haven’t yet been able to sort through the noise in your head. This approach lets me be honest about that mess, without knowing exactly what my opinion is yet.
Try it out. If you want to get something off your chest and you're worried about saying it wrong, ask if you can "say it imperfectly".
Let me know how it goes.
This is great advice.
Another version I've used when I'm charged (but not done as intentionally as you suggest) is something like "I'm feeling <angry/frustrated/etc.>, so this won't come out right."
The idea of "everyone is just doing something" has helped me a lot to get rid of that overthinking. The moment I try to be perfect I start to feel fake; like I create a wall between me and the other. I'm the most impressed by people who are the most authentic. Being around them feels like being fully alive.