The Courage to Be Ordinary

“An illustration of a person sitting on a couch in the style of Roy Lichtenstein” | Midjourney

Alison (my wife) lives a life that some would call “ordinary”.

She’s a middle school teacher. She loves routines. She orders the same thing at restaurants. She’s on her third watch of Pretty Little Liars. She doesn’t feel drawn to risk or change. She can mostly do the same thing every day and be happy.

I, on the other hand, have been terrified of being ordinary. My parents told me I was special and darn it, I was going to prove them right. I took big risks, built companies, avoided routines, moved around, and tried everything as long as it wasn’t “ordinary”.

And yet, I have loved Alison more than anything or anyone else in the world since we met 18 years ago. How can I, someone terrified of living an ordinary life, love and commit to someone I perceived to be living that life?

Well if you know Alison, then you know.

She is universally loved by the people around her. She brings her full heart into her work and has claimed the title of “favorite teacher” for countless students. When you talk, she listens deeply. She knows who she is. She’s content with who she is. She rarely gets swept up in anxiety (unless I put something in the wrong place in the kitchen). She’s fiercely loyal. 

She is extraordinary.

It’s not because of what she does for work or how she spends her day but because of her state of being, her love for what she does, and her attention to the people around her. 

Everything I hoped would make me extraordinary (success, reputation, being liked, being seen as smart, being the “good guy”, etc) hasn’t worked.

Even when I acquired these things, it had an adverse effect because it was rooted in the story that being enough required outside validation.

Externally, I’ve lived an extraordinary life.

Internally, I’ve been as ordinary as it gets. 

Here’s my new definition of an extraordinary life: 

To fully accept oneself as enough, to show up to life with your full attention, and to bring love into even the most “ordinary” work, relationships, and experiences. 

My life today looks pretty ordinary. I wake up, meditate, get our kids ready, drop them at daycare, go to the gym, work, cook dinner, play, read or watch TV with Alison, then go to bed.

And yet, I’m more present, I’m discovering new depth in my relationships, and I’m finally feeling like I’m enough.

I’m finding the courage to be ordinary.

Only then will it be possible to be extraordinary. 

This is a short post, or what I’m calling a “Seed”. Seeds are simple ideas and reflections that may grow into essays, models, and books. I’ll be publishing seeds fairly frequently, as often as they sprout.

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