David! This essay and testimony makes me feel warm! That's my new word to describe everything that pleases me. I got it from watching an episode of Dating on the Spectrum.
I never thought of it as downshifting but yes, I am on the other side of a downshift and it definitely was not linear. The word I've been using is "unsubscribing" from toxic work culture which I realize is a negative spin on transitioning but it seems to be the fastest way for others to understand the choices I've made. So what have I learned? SO MUCH but here are a few standouts:
1. You are NOT what you do. You are so much more.
2. Modern work culture is predominantly focused on productivity and efficiency which humans cannot sustain without burning out.
3. The richest people in the world are those who manage their own time. I'm very happy to say I've been owning mine for 4 years now.
4. You'll know you're on the right path when your next "thing" finds you, rather than the other way around. This might also be called serendipity but in my case there's no way I'd be where I am today if I hadn't stopped and really done the inner work. Financial insecurity is what I was scared of most but I ultimately decided to bet on myself. And after two years downshifting, I knew I was enough.
5. Trust yourself (and the universe.)
There's so much more I could say...thank you for opening this space, David! The loneliness has been real.
Wonderful to see you in the comments here Sally. I know you went through a big career transition as well, several years before me. All of your lessons resonate with the experience I’ve been through as well. So happy you’ve found your next shore, or rather it found you.
Thank you for your writing, David! I just discovered you as a result of my screaming into the void, 'Is there anyone else going through this stuff, ot is it just me?! Helloooo?'
1. Learning to let go of the idea that I HAVE TO figure out what to do next immediately (or soon; or at all). These attempts to craft the next steps right away were met with such internal resistance that somehow intensified the hollowing out, like an excavator on steroids. I had to stop, as uncomfortable as it was.
2. I really like this differentiation between burning out and hollowing out. The advice you get on the former usually revolves around how to get the fuel back in — so you have something to burn away again. That drives any self-discovery into a very narrow space, and I'd probably find myself in the same (or worse) spot a few months later.
3. A ridiculous (as I see now) fear that people love me for my professional success. And being completely alone in this process (this one is still highly relevant).
4. A wordgasm for a wordgasm: dentures should be called substitooths (credit for this one goes to @dadsaysjokes)
5. Where are you finding communities to go through this process? What people are inspiring you at the moment? Any practices that you are finding helpful?
- Allowing project ideas to resurface: persue them but not putting pressure on them to be my 'next thing'. Just doing what feels natural right now, and leaving space for nothingness.
- Talking through this process and the projects I am trying out with close friends: even without the external validation, saying things out loud helps to realize I am not crazy, this is a healthy, much needed process that is valid regardless of the outcome
- In my daily writing, asking myself: what do I want? Interesting things emerge after a few times. (David, I think you advised that, I can't remember.)
- Singing combined with body therapy
- Reading
- Using any opportunity to listen to my intuition, no matter how small the choice is
On 1: The need to figure out what to do next furthering the hollowing out is such a good call out. It feels like I was trying to build a new tower on the same quicksand.
On 2: That's a beautiful observation about how the solutions to burn out are about getting more wood to burn. So well seen. Thanks for sharing that reflection.
On 3: I hope you start to feel less alone, we're in the abyss together <3
On 4: OMG
On 5: That's a wonderful list. I have some similar practices (I shared them all in my abyss post). That founder satsang group has been one community where I've found many others in similar journeys. And the content and spaces Steve Schlafman has been creating is giving me life, which is why I've been so eager to support him.
Yisss, thanks to your abyss post, I am now reading 'Transitions'! Thank you for your recommendations.
I've been thinking to start my own community, like a local (Berlin, Germany) meetup group or something. Before my tech career and I quit each other, I had started a podcast, Life After Tech, to find the people who have been through this whole process and found themselves again. I am now realising that I overlooked a very interesting group of folks — the ones embracing the abyss. Very insightful conversations are happening here in this void, maybe even more so than on the shores.
I have already felt like that hollowing out, and meditation and thoughtful friends have helped a lot in those times.
And I'm not sure it's the right frame of mind, but I'm wondering what it would look like if we downshifted collectively to start moving towards new transitions (e.g., ecological transition, 4-hour work weeks, Universal Basic Incomes...) that we are currently resisting to continue pushing towards more and more performance.
That’s a wonderful thought. I have no doubt that if more leaders and high achievers went through this process, our social norms around work would shift dramatically.
Thanks for this David, it couldn't have come at a better time.
My last "downshift" was a sabbatical in 2019. I moved to Barcelona to see if I would enjoy living here. Now it's been 5 years and I'm still falling in love with the city more and more every day. I learned how rewarding it can be to uproot your life and start over in a new location. I learned that where we live impacts all other aspects of our lives from our mood, to our health and relationships and so on.
After the pandemic I started working for remote startups in the US and since then I've been jumping on every opportunity that comes my way. I was "over-employed" for about 6 months working two full time remote jobs, that was fun :)
I do feel I've become a little hollowed out over the last year. I think it means it's time to downshift again, thanks for the glimpse into what’s possible.
I think it happens in cycles. I’m currently in an up shift. I know there will be many more downshifts in the future. I just hope I can stay present enough to notice when I need to downshift moving forward.
This is such a great description of a really important process.
I’m curious if you have any thoughts or feelings about the term “workaholism” and if or how that may dovetail with “high achievers”?
Would you equate “down shifting” with recovering from workaholism? Do you find the the notion/framework of work as an addiction as helpful or unhelpful? Has this been a part of your process at all or did downshifting feel different in important and meaningful ways?
What I’ve observed is that most high achievers are also workaholics. Both tendencies are rooted in avoiding pain/fear. We’re afraid we’re not enough so we have to achieve. And it’s very painful to sit with that fear, so we fill our time with work.
Downshifting involves seeing and sitting with that fear and pain. It’s a process of learning where that fear comes from, the triggers and symptoms, how it’s impacting your life. It’s a process of healing the pain.
After downshifting and going through the abyss, I’m now “upshifting” again and I’m noticing my tendency to overwork is still very much alive. But what’s different this time is how clearly I notice it, how much more comfortable I am sitting with the discomfort, and how I now have tools to bring myself back to center, choose intentional boundaries, and to build better habits.
I love to work hard when I’m excited about something. But I’m no longer working hard to escape, or to prove I’m enough.
This issue speaks volumes to me, my friend. I know I got connected to you a few years ago when I was working on ramping up my Onboard Health community.
For a lot of us who have pioneered platforms, communities and have been in the spotlight -- this is what we need to read. Definitely will be sharing widely.
Well seen Andre, thanks so much for sharing. Being in a roll of leading or serving community for many years... it takes a toll. I keep having conversations with community leaders who feel hollowed out from the journey. I literally had to quit all of the online spaces I was a member of. Only recently have I found energy for participating in online communities again, and this time it's with a great deal of intention and no outside pressure.
I really enjoyed this- I am attempting to unravel my alpha high achieving coding with a clunky family motto that my children know I only half believe- 'a little bit average is a lot more happy'.
The drive to contribute at your capacity feels like a moral imperative to me. Not doing it is therefore.......? Immoral?
Unravelling that story for me is a big project of separating 'achieving' from 'contributing'.
One is ego/extrinsic. The other is.../intrinsic....
What is the opposite of ego in this realm? It's not humility- I can't wrap my head around it yet- but it feels like the missing piece of the jigsaw for me.
Loved your piece. And your writing generally. Thanks.
Thanks so much for these reflections Kate, and for the kind words. I'm so grateful you're enjoying my writing.
You know, I haven't even given thought to how I want to teach my kids about high achieving. While reading your comment, I realized that I was already holding high expectations of my kids' ability to perform in their life, even though I've been working so hard to undo those expectations within myself. So thank you for that nudge.
I think part of the reason I struggle with this is that I'm very happy to undo my "high achiever" identity today, after decades of high achieving that got me a lot of status, learning, respect, and opportunity that I'm still coasting on. I suppose I have a fear that if my kids don't focus on achieving, at least for a while, they won't have the momentum to coast on. They won't survive in a capitalist society that requires achieving to survive.
I like the reframe of "achieving" to "contributing". And I think both can come with a focus on doing high quality work, and getting financial reward. It just changes the "why".
I wonder if the opposite of ego, in this realm and in all realms, is love.
David! This essay and testimony makes me feel warm! That's my new word to describe everything that pleases me. I got it from watching an episode of Dating on the Spectrum.
I never thought of it as downshifting but yes, I am on the other side of a downshift and it definitely was not linear. The word I've been using is "unsubscribing" from toxic work culture which I realize is a negative spin on transitioning but it seems to be the fastest way for others to understand the choices I've made. So what have I learned? SO MUCH but here are a few standouts:
1. You are NOT what you do. You are so much more.
2. Modern work culture is predominantly focused on productivity and efficiency which humans cannot sustain without burning out.
3. The richest people in the world are those who manage their own time. I'm very happy to say I've been owning mine for 4 years now.
4. You'll know you're on the right path when your next "thing" finds you, rather than the other way around. This might also be called serendipity but in my case there's no way I'd be where I am today if I hadn't stopped and really done the inner work. Financial insecurity is what I was scared of most but I ultimately decided to bet on myself. And after two years downshifting, I knew I was enough.
5. Trust yourself (and the universe.)
There's so much more I could say...thank you for opening this space, David! The loneliness has been real.
Wonderful to see you in the comments here Sally. I know you went through a big career transition as well, several years before me. All of your lessons resonate with the experience I’ve been through as well. So happy you’ve found your next shore, or rather it found you.
Thank you for your writing, David! I just discovered you as a result of my screaming into the void, 'Is there anyone else going through this stuff, ot is it just me?! Helloooo?'
1. Learning to let go of the idea that I HAVE TO figure out what to do next immediately (or soon; or at all). These attempts to craft the next steps right away were met with such internal resistance that somehow intensified the hollowing out, like an excavator on steroids. I had to stop, as uncomfortable as it was.
2. I really like this differentiation between burning out and hollowing out. The advice you get on the former usually revolves around how to get the fuel back in — so you have something to burn away again. That drives any self-discovery into a very narrow space, and I'd probably find myself in the same (or worse) spot a few months later.
3. A ridiculous (as I see now) fear that people love me for my professional success. And being completely alone in this process (this one is still highly relevant).
4. A wordgasm for a wordgasm: dentures should be called substitooths (credit for this one goes to @dadsaysjokes)
5. Where are you finding communities to go through this process? What people are inspiring you at the moment? Any practices that you are finding helpful?
What's helping me:
- Fermenting food: creative + low-effort + delicious + healthy
- Allowing project ideas to resurface: persue them but not putting pressure on them to be my 'next thing'. Just doing what feels natural right now, and leaving space for nothingness.
- Talking through this process and the projects I am trying out with close friends: even without the external validation, saying things out loud helps to realize I am not crazy, this is a healthy, much needed process that is valid regardless of the outcome
- In my daily writing, asking myself: what do I want? Interesting things emerge after a few times. (David, I think you advised that, I can't remember.)
- Singing combined with body therapy
- Reading
- Using any opportunity to listen to my intuition, no matter how small the choice is
On 1: The need to figure out what to do next furthering the hollowing out is such a good call out. It feels like I was trying to build a new tower on the same quicksand.
On 2: That's a beautiful observation about how the solutions to burn out are about getting more wood to burn. So well seen. Thanks for sharing that reflection.
On 3: I hope you start to feel less alone, we're in the abyss together <3
On 4: OMG
On 5: That's a wonderful list. I have some similar practices (I shared them all in my abyss post). That founder satsang group has been one community where I've found many others in similar journeys. And the content and spaces Steve Schlafman has been creating is giving me life, which is why I've been so eager to support him.
Yisss, thanks to your abyss post, I am now reading 'Transitions'! Thank you for your recommendations.
I've been thinking to start my own community, like a local (Berlin, Germany) meetup group or something. Before my tech career and I quit each other, I had started a podcast, Life After Tech, to find the people who have been through this whole process and found themselves again. I am now realising that I overlooked a very interesting group of folks — the ones embracing the abyss. Very insightful conversations are happening here in this void, maybe even more so than on the shores.
Very grateful for this article David.
I have already felt like that hollowing out, and meditation and thoughtful friends have helped a lot in those times.
And I'm not sure it's the right frame of mind, but I'm wondering what it would look like if we downshifted collectively to start moving towards new transitions (e.g., ecological transition, 4-hour work weeks, Universal Basic Incomes...) that we are currently resisting to continue pushing towards more and more performance.
That’s a wonderful thought. I have no doubt that if more leaders and high achievers went through this process, our social norms around work would shift dramatically.
Thanks for this David, it couldn't have come at a better time.
My last "downshift" was a sabbatical in 2019. I moved to Barcelona to see if I would enjoy living here. Now it's been 5 years and I'm still falling in love with the city more and more every day. I learned how rewarding it can be to uproot your life and start over in a new location. I learned that where we live impacts all other aspects of our lives from our mood, to our health and relationships and so on.
After the pandemic I started working for remote startups in the US and since then I've been jumping on every opportunity that comes my way. I was "over-employed" for about 6 months working two full time remote jobs, that was fun :)
I do feel I've become a little hollowed out over the last year. I think it means it's time to downshift again, thanks for the glimpse into what’s possible.
I think it happens in cycles. I’m currently in an up shift. I know there will be many more downshifts in the future. I just hope I can stay present enough to notice when I need to downshift moving forward.
This is such a great description of a really important process.
I’m curious if you have any thoughts or feelings about the term “workaholism” and if or how that may dovetail with “high achievers”?
Would you equate “down shifting” with recovering from workaholism? Do you find the the notion/framework of work as an addiction as helpful or unhelpful? Has this been a part of your process at all or did downshifting feel different in important and meaningful ways?
Great question Noah.
What I’ve observed is that most high achievers are also workaholics. Both tendencies are rooted in avoiding pain/fear. We’re afraid we’re not enough so we have to achieve. And it’s very painful to sit with that fear, so we fill our time with work.
Downshifting involves seeing and sitting with that fear and pain. It’s a process of learning where that fear comes from, the triggers and symptoms, how it’s impacting your life. It’s a process of healing the pain.
After downshifting and going through the abyss, I’m now “upshifting” again and I’m noticing my tendency to overwork is still very much alive. But what’s different this time is how clearly I notice it, how much more comfortable I am sitting with the discomfort, and how I now have tools to bring myself back to center, choose intentional boundaries, and to build better habits.
I love to work hard when I’m excited about something. But I’m no longer working hard to escape, or to prove I’m enough.
That a beautiful description and distinction….! Thanks for the thoughtful in-depth response.
Oddly, running fast can hold you back.
https://my-thoughts-are-not-my-own.com/blog/2021/10/09/a-disconnected-existence/
David --
This issue speaks volumes to me, my friend. I know I got connected to you a few years ago when I was working on ramping up my Onboard Health community.
For a lot of us who have pioneered platforms, communities and have been in the spotlight -- this is what we need to read. Definitely will be sharing widely.
Appreciate you!
André
Well seen Andre, thanks so much for sharing. Being in a roll of leading or serving community for many years... it takes a toll. I keep having conversations with community leaders who feel hollowed out from the journey. I literally had to quit all of the online spaces I was a member of. Only recently have I found energy for participating in online communities again, and this time it's with a great deal of intention and no outside pressure.
Grateful for you reading my words <3
"great deal of intention" -- the only way to take more steps in this precious life.
I really enjoyed this- I am attempting to unravel my alpha high achieving coding with a clunky family motto that my children know I only half believe- 'a little bit average is a lot more happy'.
The drive to contribute at your capacity feels like a moral imperative to me. Not doing it is therefore.......? Immoral?
Unravelling that story for me is a big project of separating 'achieving' from 'contributing'.
One is ego/extrinsic. The other is.../intrinsic....
What is the opposite of ego in this realm? It's not humility- I can't wrap my head around it yet- but it feels like the missing piece of the jigsaw for me.
Loved your piece. And your writing generally. Thanks.
Thanks so much for these reflections Kate, and for the kind words. I'm so grateful you're enjoying my writing.
You know, I haven't even given thought to how I want to teach my kids about high achieving. While reading your comment, I realized that I was already holding high expectations of my kids' ability to perform in their life, even though I've been working so hard to undo those expectations within myself. So thank you for that nudge.
I think part of the reason I struggle with this is that I'm very happy to undo my "high achiever" identity today, after decades of high achieving that got me a lot of status, learning, respect, and opportunity that I'm still coasting on. I suppose I have a fear that if my kids don't focus on achieving, at least for a while, they won't have the momentum to coast on. They won't survive in a capitalist society that requires achieving to survive.
I like the reframe of "achieving" to "contributing". And I think both can come with a focus on doing high quality work, and getting financial reward. It just changes the "why".
I wonder if the opposite of ego, in this realm and in all realms, is love.