So I Got Overwhelmed At Work

How I navigated my first big "work test" since emerging from the abyss

“An illustration of a man barely keeping his head above water in the style of Roy Lichtenstein” | Midjourney

This past month, after two years of keeping a slow pace with work, things suddenly sped up.

Downshift is, perhaps ironically, upshifting.

I find myself working with the team to build a new company and coaching practice from the ground up. I didn’t plan on this. It all unfolded very organically. Alas, here we are.

I’m back to a five-day workweek. My calendar is booked out two weeks in advance. My to-do list is ballooning. My email is overflowing. I even downloaded Slack again 😱. All this while being a parent of two kids under five, meaning I have less available work hours than I used to.

Last week it all caught up to me. I was utterly overwhelmed. I found myself falling back into old patterns.

“FUCK!”, I raged at myself. “I thought I changed!” Here I was, after two years of reshaping my relationship with work, making the same mistakes.

It was a stark reminder that perhaps I won’t ever get rid of my patterns. I may never stop getting triggered.

But what can change is how I respond.

In this case, I responded very differently from how I would have responded in the past. Maybe all this inner work is paying off after all.

Today I thought I’d share a bit about the process that naturally unfolded to bring me back to presence and groundedness. I wish I could say I navigated it all with clarity and grace. The truth is that, at points, I felt helplessly lost and overcome with shame. That seems like a good place to start…

Step 1: Notice what’s happening

I woke up one morning and noticed that familiar feeling of stress and overwhelm. It’s a state I’ve lived in for much of my career.

I was firmly “below the line” as they say in conscious leadership.

How did I know?

• My mind was racing during meditation and throughout the day

• I felt a constant tension in my throat and upper chest, and knots formed in my shoulders

• I was looking at everything as black and white

• I was sacrificing my boundaries and healthy habits

• I felt angry and blamed others

• Then I felt shame and blamed myself

• My sleep was suffering

• I struggled to be present with my family

• I was worrying about what others on the team were thinking about me

• I sensed a distinct lack of grounding and calm

• There was a persistent feeling of being rushed and that I’d never get everything done

• I started “blindly hustling”, just putting my head down and cranking

These are all telltale signs for me that I’m spiraling out.

I was able to notice that I was below the line rather quickly thanks to my daily meditation and journaling practice. Both have proven to be quite effective at alerting me to what’s happening inside my mind and body.

The old me would have avoided and numbed. I’d smoke a joint at night to calm down, play more video games, have a drink…anything to avoid the discomfort of the anxiety. Then start the cycle again every morning.

This time I made the conscious choice to stay with it and see what it had to teach me.

Step 2: Regulate my nervous system

It’s difficult to do anything productive when my nervous system is outside my “window of tolerance”. I was in a sympathetic state: stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, in fight/flight.

This has been a key learning for me. In the past, I would have felt anxious and tried to think my way out of it. “If I just make the right decision! If I just come up with the right plan! If I just focus!”

Of course, when I’m totally stressed and overwhelmed, my brain isn’t very capable of thoughtfully planning or making decisions. This kicks off a downward spiral where:

1. I feel stressed and overwhelmed

2. I try to think my way out of it

3. It doesn’t work, which makes me feel more stressed and overwhelmed

So I reminded myself not to trust my thoughts too much while I was in that state. First, I needed to get my nervous system regulated.

Nervous system practices that have been effective for me:

1. Meditation: My daily morning Zazen practice provided a steady foundation of grounding and spaciousness

2. Breathing: Voo breath (saying “vooooooo” on the exhale), box breathing (in 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, out 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, repeat) , and breathing deeply into the areas where I feel tension

3. Presence anchor: Finding a place in my body, or my environment, where I feel a sense of grounding and calm

4. Nature walks: Getting out into the woods, major key

5. Hugs from my wife and kids: Touch is my love language

🧘‍♂️ Here’s a set of nervous system regulation practices you can try from

Jonny Miller

and

Anne-Laure Le Cunff

.

These practices helped ground me in moments where I felt myself spiraling out, and gave me the presence to be able to work more effectively with the next step…

Step 3: Listen to the stories I’m telling myself

IFS (Internal Family Systems) has taught me that I’m made of many parts, they’re all trying to help me, and that I don’t have to identify with them (but I do need to listen to them).

What’s often happening when I’m overwhelmed is known as a “parts storm”. There are a lot of parts that got triggered simultaneously, are triggering each other, and all want to be heard. It becomes so noisy, there’s no way I can hear them all when they’re shouting at the same time.

In the past, this would have led me to not listen at all. I’d avoid and numb to quiet my mind.

With IFS, I can be with the storm. I can sit down with each part, one at a time, and hear what it is they have to say. I do this on my own, and with the help of coaches.

Here are a few of the stories that came up:

“What if I’m abandoned again?”

My age-old story that I’m going to be abandoned continues to hold strong. I notice that I hold a fear that I’m going to be cut from the team if I don’t perform. It’s tied to a past experience of being fired, and going back to childhood, of being cut out from friend groups.

I worry that I’m not pulling my weight. I compare myself to the other high performers on the team and their outputs. Am I doing enough? Am I proving my worth?

I worry that I’m being the “fly in the ointment” when I challenge or try to hold boundaries. “The rest of the team is all down to say yes to all these meetings, why aren’t I? Am I not committed enough? Am I being selfish? Is this going to get me cut?”

“I am my work identity.”

I notice that I’m starting to attach my sense of self to this new work identity. “I’m a coach”. “I’m a Downshift coach”. “I’m on the Downshift team.”

I think about how this new identity makes me look to others in the world. I feel pride in being a coach and in working on Downshift. “Downshift has a rockstar team that I get to be associated with. What an opportunity. Don’t fuck it up!”

In my mind, it’s becoming a part of who I am. It’s something I’ve always done in my career. When I go all in on a project, I go ALL in. It’s never just a job to me. It’s who I am. Which of course, makes the part of me that’s afraid of being abandoned terrified. Now it’s not just the risk of losing a job, it’s the risk of losing a part of myself.

“I have to please everyone”

I’m at my worst when I’m feeling like I’m constantly behind. Everything starts to feel rushed and urgent. I’m just keeping my head above water.

Underneath this drive to keep up is a need to please everyone. My team, my clients, my family, my friends, acquaintances, random people who reach out for advice… oh right, and last and least, myself.

The idea of letting anyone down is terrifying. I’m afraid of them being mad at me, feeling abandoned by me, or not liking me.

“I have to make the right decisions”

There are a lot of different paths I can take with my career in this moment.

Do I want to go all in on Downshift? Do I want to remain an independent coach? What’s more important, spaciousness or impact? Which path offers the best shot at financial security and being able to buy the house my family needs to be comfortable? What’s my purpose in life?

You know… small questions.

So I’m utterly overwhelmed, and yet there’s a part of me that’s wanting to make big life decisions. It’s like being on the brink of drowning and choosing that moment to ponder my ten-year plan.

This part of me just wants to make the right choices for me. It wants me to be happy and secure.

“I have to figure this out myself”

I notice that I feel ashamed when I feel overwhelmed. There’s a part of me that wants so badly to be seen as someone who has my shit together. Who can take on big challenges in stride. Who’s strong and competent.

I worry that admitting to my team that I’m overwhelmed will make me look weak and incapable.

Perhaps you’re starting to see how all of these parts are linked and can trigger each other. This part is protecting the “fear of abandonment” part within me who thinks that, if I admit I’m overwhelmed, I’ll be cut from the team.

So I avoid asking for help. This part wants to just hustle its way out of the problem. Go heads down. Crank. Catch up on the endless tasks, emails, and calls. Just fucking do it.

—

As I listen to these stories, many of them familiar, I feel a sense of gratitude for all of these parts for trying to serve me. I understand why they’re so worked up. I see the younger self that they’re trying to protect from being hurt again. As they feel heard, and understood, they soften.

These are some of the stories that arose but, of course, not all of them. My psyche contains endless complexity. I start to feel myself letting go of the need to understand it all. I begin to surrender.

The storm begins to subside.

Step 4: Reveal my experience and ask for help

So I’m not totally spiraling out anymore, but I still feel overwhelmed. The reality is there is more work on my plate than I can possibly get done in the time I have unless I start working on nights and weekends.

I needed to reveal my experience to my team. More specifically, I needed to reveal myself to

Steven Schlafman

. As the leader of this team, a lot of my parts’ fears centered on our relationship.

My wife, Alison, has a rule at the school she worked at: “Go to the source”. If you have an issue with someone go to the source. Talk to the person. I think the same is true when you have fears around how someone might be perceiving you. Go to the source. Talk to them.

I talked to Alison about how I was feeling, to my therapist, to coaches, to friends, but was avoiding talking to the person I needed to.

I booked a 1-1 with Steve. I told him about the overwhelm I was experiencing, and how I was spiraling. He listened, smiled, and said “Thanks for telling me”, and we quickly decided to take a big task off my plate. It was that easy (because of course it was).

I immediately felt my body release and relax. Not just because the task was taken off my plate, but because I was able to name that I’m overwhelmed, and feel seen and supported. Many of my part’s worst fears subsided in that moment.

Who knows, maybe Steve did think less of me because I got overwhelmed. He wouldn’t be the first boss to have that reaction. Knowing Steve, I don’t think he did. Regardless, the fact is I got overwhelmed. That’s the truth. And I’d much rather work with people who know my truth and still love and support me, than have to keep up a facade.

We talked for an hour and I revealed a lot of the big questions I’ve been holding. Steve shared that he’s holding a lot of these big questions as well. Turns out we both don’t know where this thing will take us, and we both have fears, but we both want to listen to the universe and surrender to what wants to unfold.

I don’t know where things will go. But, in this moment, I feel a lot less overwhelmed with having to figure it out.

Let’s recap…

I got overwhelmed at work, started spiraling out, and went through a process to bring myself back to balance, presence, and grounding.

The messy process looked something like:

Step 1: Notice what’s happening
Step 2: Regulate my nervous system
Step 3: Listen to the stories I’m telling myself
Step 4: Reveal my experience and ask for help

I’d love to hear from you. How have you navigated overwhelm at work? Are you overwhelmed now? What stories come up for you? Did this help?

Drop a comment below and let me know how this all lands for you, in this moment.

Sending love from the abyss,

David